If We Should Meet Again
by UpsideDownPB
Summary: A tragedy begins a new life for Chandler. Please note-RC
1. The Shock

** If We Should Meet Again**

  
_ A/N: This fic is going to be a Chandler/Rachel fic, so please don't read if you hate this pairing, or you are a devout C/M fan and can't bear to think of them any other way. I thought I'd have a go at an "unorthodox" pairing, and see how it turns out. However, if you're interested in seeing how this turns out (as I am) please read and review! Lilian. _

  
**Chapter One: The Shock**

  
February 2005. Chandler couldn't believe it. It had been over three years since that fateful day, his wedding day. It was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. He was going to marry Monica, the woman he loved. He'd got over his commitment issues, he was ready to marry her, he was ready to spend the rest of his life with her, to love her, to have children.

  
And what happened? Chandler frowned at the memory. Richard. That's what happened. Ten minutes before he was supposed to get married, Rachel and Phoebe came to meet him, tears in their eyes. They couldn't find Monica, but they'd found a note that she'd written, addressed to him. What did it say? Chandler wanted to know too, but couldn't bear to read it, fearing the worst.

  
He begged Phoebe to read it. She opened the note, and her face went white. Chandler couldn't bear it any more. He grabbed the tiny piece of white paper from her hands, and read the three lines quickly, his heart slowing down with each word until he thought it might stop.

  
_Chandler,_

  
I can't go through with this. I'm in love with Richard. I love you, but I love him more. I'm sorry.

  
Monica.

  
Chandler stared at Phoebe, and passed it to Rachel so she could read it, in a half daze. "She's gone," he said, monotonously. "She's let me down... with a tiny piece of paper. Monica... I was with her for years. How can she throw it all away? She was so excited this morning..."

  
Rachel started to sob, so angry with Monica and so sorry for Chandler. She pulled him in to a hug, and Phoebe joined them. None of them could believe it. Monica wasn't like that. Monica loved Chandler. They loved each other. They were the perfect couple. How could it end... just like that?

  
Telling the guests was the hardest. Chandler walked into the room, stood at the end of the aisle. He could see Joey in front of him, dressed as some World War One soldier, preparing for the "wedding." Everyone looked at him. He stared straight up the aisle, straight into his best friends eyes. "She's gone," he said, wishing he didn't have to tell these people. They'd spent so much money, some had travelled for miles to be with them that day. Admitting to his parents, his friends, that he'd been left at the altar, in a way, was one of the most difficult things he had to do.

  
Rachel and Phoebe were standing behind him, and neither of them stopped him as he left the room. They realised that they should explain to the guests what had happened. Even Judy and Jack had no idea what had happened. They were as confused as anyone else.

  
Chandler needed to be by himself, but he didn't mind when Ross, Rachel and Joey came to find him later on. Everyone was angry with Monica, and everyone felt so bad for Chandler. For the first time, Rachel noted how emotional Chandler was. She'd always had him down as someone who was funny, good for a joke but not for a sincere talk. How things changed, she had thought to herself.

  
"I'm so sorry man," Ross said. "Maybe I should hunt her down and kick her ass," he joked weakly. Chandler didn't even try to smile. His whole world had crashed down on him, and he was alone.

  
Well, not completely alone. He had Ross, and Joey. He knew he had Phoebe and Rachel too, but he'd never really bonded with the other girls well. He'd always only had eyes for Monica, and while Rachel and Phoebe were friends of his, he didn't really know much about them. He often teased Phoebe mercilessly for her ideals about things, but he had never felt close enough to Rachel to tease her, or talk to her about anything.

  
Yet when everyone was saying how sorry they were, it was Rachel who seemed the most upset for him. Ross obviously still loved Monica, as she was his sister, and Joey didn't really understand how let down Chandler felt. Joey had always had the idea that Chandler and Monica weren't really as in love as they said they were, and wasn't that surprised that Monica had left him, deep down. He had always thought that Monica was "too hot" for Chandler, although the others knew that wasn't the reason why Monica left him.

  
Chandler presumed that Rachel would stand by her best friend. Girls stuck together, he thought, and was amazed when Rachel told him how pissed off with her she was. She said angrily that she never wanted to see her again. "She could have had the decency to tell you to your face," she spat, and then her face went back to the apologetic one it had been before. "I feel kinda guilty," she tried to explain. "She's supposed to be my best friend, but I never thought she would behave like this."

  
"You left your husband at the altar," Joey reminded her.

  
Rachel sighed. "I was hoping no one would remember that," she smiled weakly. "But that was different, Joe. He was having an affair. He only said he would marry me because he couldn't be bothered to finish it. Chandler loves-loved-Monica. He wasn't cheating on her," she tried to explain.

  
"I still love her," Chandler corrected Rachel. "I can't turn off my emotions just like that. There's a thin line between love and hate. I think I feel both for her."

  
"That's understandable," Rachel nodded. "You'll have to sit down and talk with her."

  
Chandler brought himself back to the present day. He couldn't help but smile. That had never happened. Monica seemed to cut all ties with her friends, knowing that they wouldn't speak to her. She had phoned Chandler one last time, to apologise, and he had begged her to see him one last time, so they could talk about what had happened. He thought she owed him that, at least. But she wouldn't. Deep down she still had feelings for Chandler and she knew that if she saw him again it wouldn't help her at all. She would question herself, and she had told herself that being with Richard was what she had always wanted. Chandler was just a pawn, she made herself believe. A boyfriend to pass the time. So she refused to meet up with him, and only returned to her apartment once, to collect her things, and made sure it was while Chandler was at work.

  
Chandler couldn't stay in the apartment. It still belonged to Monica, and he left her to sort out the finance problems with it, and moved in with Joey for a while. Rachel stayed with Ross. It was just after Monica abandoned Chandler that Rachel announced she was pregnant, after a one-night-stand with Ross. Chandler was amazed how it didn't ruin their friendship. Having a baby with your best friend seemed a bit odd to him.

  
He stuck around until Emma was born-he knew that Monica had wanted to call their child Emma and suggested the name to Rachel, having liked it himself and thinking that it would suit her little girl. But after a couple of months, he decided it would be the best idea to move away from New York, make new friends, and start a new life, alone.

  
He didn't want to cut all ties with his friends, as Monica had done, but he knew that all the old memories would come back to haunt him if he stayed near. So he accepted a job offer in Tulsa, and told his friends that he was leaving. It was a shock to them all, and Chandler found it surprisingly hardest to say goodbye to Rachel. The two had grown close over the past year and Rachel was very upset that he had decided to leave.

  
"It won't work, Chandler," she said softly to him one evening. "This isn't the answer. You should stay here, with people who love you and care about you."

  
Chandler had smiled. "I'm sorry Rache," he said, kissing her cheek. "I have to leave. I promise I'll... I'll visit." But both of them knew that was unlikely to happen. Chandler would make new friends, and Tulsa was too far away for him to visit frequently.

  
"Yeah," Rachel said disbelievingly. "Well, Chandler, just remember how much we're gonna miss you. And remember how much we love you. We're always here for you."

  
Chandler felt his eyes filling with tears, and hugged his friend. "I will, Rache," he said, letting a few tears escape.

  
"And if we should meet again," Rachel said, pulling away slightly, "then I pray it's not for a bad reason."

  
Chandler laughed. "Don't be so dramatic Rache," he said. "Of course we'll meet again. And it won't be for some terrible reason. We're friends."

  
Rachel nodded, trying to smile, but fearing the worst. "I hope you're right," she said, kissing him again.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
Chandler sighed as he realised what the time was. He should have gone to bed a while ago. He had to be up early for his new job, and he kept forgetting how early it really was. As he cleared away the dishes, thinking how messy his new room-mate was and how similar to Joey he was, the phone rang. It was probably work, and Chandler couldn't be bothered to answer it, letting it go on to answerphone.

  
"Chandler? Chandler, if you're there, please pick up."

  
It was Rachel. Chandler was stunned. He'd spoken to her on the phone only a couple of days ago, and they usually spoke once a week. He answered. "Hey, Rache, what's wrong?"

  
Rachel breathed in deeply. "Look, Chandler, I don't know if you're going to care, but it's Monica."

  
"What about Monica?" he asked wearily. "Is she causing problems again?" Monica had been annoyed when she found out that Emma had been born, six months after the event, and had blamed her parents for not informing her, making Jack and Judy annoyed with Ross for not telling her himself.

  
"No," Rachel said, breathing in sharply again. "She's dead."

  
Chandler paused for a second, not expecting this news. "Dead?" he asked, stunned. "How... how comes?"

  
"She killed herself," Rachel said, not really wanting to tell Chandler this over the phone but knowing she had to really.

  
"Why?" Chandler asked, alarmed. He didn't have any knowledge of Monica leading a horrible life. He assumed she was happy, now she was with Richard.

  
"We're not completely sure," she admitted. "Look, Chandler, you really need to come home. Please. If not for Monica, then for Ross. He's beside himself. Because of what she did to you, he's hardly had any contact with her over the past three years." She knew it was a hateful thing to say, but it was partly true. Ross needed Chandler. He was his best friend.

  
Chandler felt guilty. "OK," he said eventually. "I'll come back. I'll need to inform work but they shouldn't have a problem. When's the funeral?" he asked.

  
"Still sorting it out. She died yesterday evening," Rachel informed him. She was sorry her friend had died, but she personally wasn't as sorry as she would have been if it had happened four or five years before, when she thought the world of Monica. She couldn't believe what Monica had done to Chandler, and she hated her for it.

  
"I'll try to be in New York in a couple of days," Chandler promised, and said goodbye to Rachel before hanging up. He only had to wait a couple of seconds before the tears came. Monica was gone. Forever.

  
_** So, what did you think? Things won't stay this miserable, but this chapter was needed. I won't rush this one, I'll spend time on it. Please review! Lilian xXx**_


	2. Questions

** Chapter Two: Questions**

  
_ Disclaimer: (I keep forgetting to do this!) I do not own any of the characters (except Tony) in this story. Yet._

  
Chandler had a restless sleep that night. The thought of returning to New York after two years scared him somewhat, yet a part of him felt excited. He was also racked with grief over Monica. He hadn't felt this many emotions since she left him at the altar three years before.

  
He couldn't sleep. He had resigned himself to the fact that he wasn't going to get any rest that night, and so got up to make himself some coffee. He hated making his own coffee, and remembered how, back in New York, the coffee house was near enough, and cheap enough, to go there everytime he had a thirst for it, or felt tired. The coffee there was so good too. They didn't just go there for the great furniture, he laughed to himself, although that was a bonus. What was he doing, thinking about furniture? He tried to pull himself together. His ex-finacée, the only woman he had ever loved, had just died and he was thinking about colourful couches in a coffee house of his past. Well, he thought dryly, that's what grief does to you.

  
He heard movement from Tony, his room-mates, bedroom, and the tall dark haired man that he'd come to get on with well appeared in the doorway, scratching his head. Chandler sighed to himself as he remembered how "normal" Tony was, unlike Joey, his old "roomie."

  
"Can't sleep?" Tony asked, getting himself a mug. Chandler almost replied with a sarcastic comment, something like he might have done a few years ago, but then remembered that Tony was not amused by sarcasm-again, unlike Joey, who just didn't get it- and so stopped himself.

  
"No," he said blandly, and sipped his coffee. It tasted weak and milky, but he couldn't be bothered to strengthen it.

  
"So, did you book your flight?" Tony asked conversationally. The two men were friends, but sometimes ran out of things to say to each other, and settled for making random noises to be sociable from time to time.

  
"Yeh. I'm leaving tomorrow," Chandler said, not offering much more information. "I don't know when I'll be back though. Most probably in a couple of weeks." He didn't tell Tony that he thought it was likely he might stay longer. Work had been very sympathetic, and had given him quite a long holiday, as he had never taken a holiday in the past two years. They felt they owed him a break.

  
Tony shrugged. "Fine by me. I'll just have a few wild parties while you're gone." He tried to make Chandler smile, but failed miserably. "Look, Chandler, I know you're going though a tough time. Just remember what she did to you. Be upset, by all means, but don't ruin your life because of it. Were you ever really going to see her again?" He was trying to be helpful but Chandler didn't feel like he was being much use.

  
"I guess not," Chandler said, though he wasn't sure. He thought that one day, perhaps, everything would have blown over and he would have met up with Monica again, and perhaps they would have... No, it wouldn't have worked. Maybe Tony was right.

  
Tony smiled sadly at his friend, and left him to deal with his thoughts. He knew that Chandler was going through a lot, but he was sure he'd get over it one day soon.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"Chandler!"

  
Chandler picked up his suitcase and looked up to see who was calling his name. His heart sank as he saw a flash of dark brown curly hair.

  
"Janice!" he exclaimed, but through gritted teeth. "How are you?"

  
Her familiar laugh returned, startling an old couple standing near them. "I'm great, Chandler Bing, and how are you?"

  
"Oh I'm... swell," Chandler said, trying not to cringe at his ex's oh-so-annoying chuckle.

  
"Anyways, why haven't I seen you for the past couple of years? Have you and Monica moved away? How is she? Where is she?"

  
"Would you stop with all the questions!" Chandler explained. "I moved to Tulsa, Janice. Monica left me at the altar three years ago. And... she died, three days ago. I've returned for the funeral."

  
Janice was lost for words, for once in her life, and Chandler took the oppurtunity to leave quickly. She didn't try to stop him, and when he looked back he could see tears in her eyes. She had liked Monica. He felt bad, but he had to try and find his way out of the airport.

  
He was stopped by a hug that seemed to come out of nowhere and a kiss on his cheek. "Chandler," came a familiar voice. "You're home."

  
Chandler stopped, put his case down and hugged the woman tightly. He hadn't seen her in two years. More than that. He felt tears prick at his eyes again, for the second time in two days. 

  
"Hey, Rachel," he whispered. "I'm so happy to see you."

  
Rachel smiled to herself, and pulled back so she could get a good look at Chandler. "You've changed," she noted sadly. "You seem so much... older now. Sadder."

  
"Well, what a surprise," Chandler said sarcastically.

  
"It's not right," Rachel said, in an undertone. "You used to be the comic. The one that cheered me up, with your stupid witty remarks. And now it looks like you're the one who needs cheering up."

  
Chandler attempted to smile at her, and linked arms with Rachel, picking up his suitcase at the same time with the other hand. "You didn't have to come and meet me, you know," he said. "I could'a found my way to the appartments."

  
Rachel shook her head. "Of course I had to come and meet you," she said, scolding him. "I haven't seen you in two and a half years. I wanted to see you as soon as possible. Why haven't you visited Chandler?" she asked. "I would have visited you, you know, but what with Emma, and Ross wanting..."

  
"It's okay," Chandler said, reassuring her. "I don't mind. I've got a new room mate now. His name's Tony, and he's great, to be honest. He's really friendly, and we get on well." But something was missing, and Rachel didn't want to press it. In the back of her mind, she hoped that once Chandler had visited them, he would decide that he needed to return. She missed him terribly. Life hadn't been fun since he left, although she had Joey to keep her amused. But, despite what many people thought, she was too bright to appreciate Joey for too long. She needed someone who was smart, but funny too. Ross fitted that description to a degree, but he was missing something. He wasn't Chandler.

  
Chandler didn't want to bring it up, but knew he would have to sooner or later. As they got into Rachel's car - Chandler commented on how impressed he was, and Rachel was flattered- he asked her the question she knew was coming; "Why did she do it?"

  
Rachel looked at him as she turned the key in the car. She didn't want to tell him. He probably felt bad enough anyway. "Chandler... she made a mistake leaving you," she said, trying to simplify it. "Richard wasn't what she wanted. She'd lost you. She knew you hated her..."

  
"Wait a minute," Chandler said. "I didn't hate her. I got over it. If she'd realised she'd made a mistake, she could have contacted me, we could have talked..."

  
Rachel bit her lip, as they left the car park. "Let me rephrase it. She _thought_ you hated her. She came to try and see me a few weeks ago..." Rachel tailed off, not wanting to continue her story.

  
"What happened?" Chandler asked, inquisitive. "Did she seem upset? Confused? Sorry?"

  
He wasn't sure what was wrong. Rachel seemed very aloof and not wanting to tell him everything. "Rachel," he tried again. "Please tell me what happened."

  
"OK," Rachel said finally. "But you've gotta realise I was very, very upset with her, cross for you. You weren't there. I felt someone should stick up for you."

  
Chandler nodded. "OK, I realise. Just tell me before one of us dies," he joked weakly.

  
"I told Monica I never wanted to see her again. Never wanted to hear from her again. She'd hurt someone who I cared about... a lot," Rachel said, not looking at Chandler. "She asked to see Ross. I told her that he didn't want to see her either. Told her that he'd informed me to tell her on his behalf that he wanted nothing more to do with her. A little extreme, I know, but Chandler, she completely cut us out of her life. No cards at Christmas, no present for little Emma... no nothing. She didn't care about us anymore, Chandler. And... and I told her that we didn't care about her. She had no one."

  
"Richard left her, apparently," she continued, braking at the lights. "He knew that he wasn't what she wanted. He moved away. She was alone, and tried to seek us out. Tried to make amends. But I was bitter, Chandler. I really disliked her.. maybe I even hated her, and I was spiteful. I told her that you hated her and never wanted to see her again. I told her that everyone was disgusted with what she'd done. I don't know if she tried to contact her parents... maybe she did, but I think they would have said something..."

  
"And then what?" Chandler asked quietly.

  
Rachel hesitated. "I felt bad. I knew where she was staying, at some hotel nearby, so I decided I'd go and visit her. They gave me her room number and said she hadn't left the hotel. Chandler... I went up there. Room 1-3-4," she mused, as if the number was important. "I thought I'd go and apologise. But, as the saying goes, it was too late. Her door was left unlocked... maybe on purpose... I knocked and walked into her room, and she was asleep on the bed. I tried to wake her but she wouldn't... then I saw the empty bottle..." Rachel's voice faltered, and she turned into a layby and began to sob. Chandler watched her for a few seconds, before pulling her into a hug. She sighed, still sobbing, with relief.

  
"Oh Chandler," she cried, shaking with tears. "I thought you'd hate me. It's my fault she's dead, Chandler, it's my fault."

  
Chandler didn't say anything. He held her to him, feeling sorry for her but at the same time feeling slight anger. She was right. It was her fault that she was dead. In a way. But he knew he would have done a similar thing.

  
Yet if it hadn't been for Rachel, maybe some of this could have been solved. Maybe Chandler could have talked to Monica, and explained how he felt, instead of shutting her out completely. It seemed that Monica wanted a second chance with Richard. She'd realised that she had made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Yet because of what Rachel had said to her, Monica was dead.

  
Realising this, Chandler pulled away, and stared out of the window. Rachel glanced at him, and realised that perhaps now wasn't the best time to talk. They drove the rest of the way to the apartment in silence.

  
_** Chapter Two done! I'm really trying hard not to hurry this one, see, chapter two and still nothing's really been resolved, yet I hope you've got a good idea of the background by now. Any advice? Comments? Or just a nice review? PLEASE review this! Make me happy! Go on... Lilian xXx**_


	3. A Friendly Face

**Chapter Three: A Friendly Face**

  
_ Thanks for the reviews so far. I'm finding this fic very difficult to write, compared to my other two, especially as I've never really thought of a C/R coupling before. It's good though. I like a challenge. I hope you're enjoying this fic, it's probably slightly more in-depth than my others. Again, I'll try not to rush this one, so it'll stick around for a while. Lilian xxx_

  
"When will they be here?" Phoebe asked Joey quietly, as they sat in his apartment. Ross was in the bathroom, and hadn't really spoken to the others since the news of Monica's death had reached them.

  
"His plane landed about an hour ago," Joey said. "I'm guessing pretty soon. They've probably got a lot to talk about. Chandler will be devastated."

  
Phoebe nodded, trying to understand how Chandler would be feeling. She knew that if she was in his position she'd be very confused. "He still loved her, didn't he?" she said sadly. Not waiting for an answer, thinking of it as a hypothetical question, she sighed, before murmuring "Poor Chandler."

  
They heard movement from the bathroom and looked towards the door as Ross wandered out, seemingly in a daze. "You've run out of toothpaste, Joe," Ross said, as if lack of toothpaste was the only thing he should be worrying about.

  
Joey was confused. "Why are you looking at my supply of toothpaste, Ross?" he asked worriedly.

  
"Well, no one else seems to care. It's the kind of thing that..." Ross stopped, looking tired all of a sudden. "The kind of thing that Monica would worry about," he finished, before sitting down next to Phoebe. She turned to look at Joey, biting her lip. "Maybe he'll feel better when Chandler comes home," she mouthed at him.

  
Joey shrugged, not getting what Phoebe was saying. Phoebe sighed loudly and gave up. She missed Chandler, especially now. Chandler was the only one who ever teased her, which she enjoyed, and the only one who even tried to understand her problems that she had. Ross would tease her, but in a not-so-friendly way, and Joey just didn't even understand what she was saying. Chandler made her laugh. Joey made her laugh, but in a different way. She missed Chandler's wittiness, his ability to make anyone smile no matter what was wrong, though, she thought to herself, it would take a miracle to get Ross to smile. And Chandler would be pretty depressed himself.

  
She got up to make herself some coffee and as she did, there was a knock at the door. Surprised, Phoebe went to answer it, as no one ever knocked at the door. Other friends they had, had learnt to just walk in. If someone was in, the door would be unlocked. 

  
"Who is it?" she called before opening the door. Not hearing an answer, she shrugged and went to open it. She paused for a second, then smiled widely as she saw her friend who she hadn't seen for over two years.

  
"Chandler!" she squealed and hugged him, as he dropped his suitcase and hugged her back.

  
She looked up, her arms still round him, and saw Rachel standing behind him. It was obvious that she had been crying, as her eyes were red, but she smiled weakly at Phoebe and picked up Chandlers suitcase for him. He turned to get it himself, saw she already had it, shrugged and entered the apartment.

  
"Hey man!" Joey called from the couch. "How's it going?"

  
Chandler tried not to smile at Joey's question, which seemed a little wrong in the circumstances. "I'm ok Joe," he said, and then looked at Ross, a little worried. "Hi Ross," he said gently.

  
Ross looked up, seeming to only just notice him, and stood up to give him a hug. "Chandler," he said, trying to be enthusiastic. "Good to see you."

  
Chandler looked from person to person, and gave a small smile to Rachel, trying to reassure her that he wasn't mad at her. He was just a little annoyed that if it wasn't for her, all this might not have happened. He just wanted to think about Monica on the ride home, as he hadn't really let himself think about her, and a part of him hated Rachel for those few minutes. There was something about her, and he wasn't sure what, but he knew he didn't want to let himself grow too close to her.

  
Rachel felt a wave of relief rush through her. She had seen the smile, and she felt reassured. Chandler didn't hate her. He was just confused as to how he felt. Finding out that the woman he loved might not have had to die was probably a horrible thing to realise, and he was confused of how to feel about Rachel. That's all it was. She smiled to herself, and tried to cheer people up.

  
"Shall we go to the coffee house?" she suggested, not knowing what people's feelings on it would be. It might bring up painful memories, but Chandler and Joey seemed enthusiastic about this idea. Phoebe nodded in agreement. Ross shrugged, but got up, as if to join them.

  
"I think that's a good idea," Chandler admitted. "I miss Gunther," he joked.

  
"Ahh, and he's got a new worker with him now. Someone called... Cookie?" Phoebe asked innocently. Rachel grinned. "Her name's Candy," she told Chandler. "She's got a brain the size of a pea, but she seems to be able to serve coffee better than I ever did."

  
"And legs that go on for... Never mind," Joey finished, seeing the glares from Phoebe and Rachel. Chandler grinned, feeling at home already. For the first time, he wondered whether moving to Tulsa had been the right decision for him. His friends seemed ready to welcome him back, and it felt right. And now Monica wasn't around...

  
He felt guilty suddenly. He wasn't sure how he felt about her now, but he was sure he would work it out on the day of the funeral. Rachel had mentioned quietly, when they were nearing the appartments, that the funeral was in a weeks time, and Chandler had grunted in reply. He tried not to think about it.

  
"So, shall we go?" Ross asked impatiently. Phoebe noted happily that Ross seemed to have cheered up since seeing his best friend.

  
"Yes, lets," Chandler said. "I can sort out my stuff when we return... incidentally, where am I staying?"

  
"Well, as your stuff's here, you can stay here," Joey said. "The couch pulls out into a bed, so..."

  
Chandler nodded. "OK," he said.

  
"Rachel did offer to go and stay with Ross while you were here, but she can't really move all of Emma's stuff. Believe me, she's gonna need it all," Joey said, still amazed at how much food and how many diapers Emma got through.

  
"Emma!" Chandler exclaimed. "I haven't seen her for... well, since she was born. How is she?"

  
"She's asleep in my room at the moment," Rachel said. "She's 30 months old now, and she's so big! You'll be surprised," Rachel said. "We'd better go get her Ross, I'm not leaving her on her own."

  
Ross nodded. His whole face seemed so much brighter now that Chandler had arrived. "Do you want the pram?" he asked.

  
"No, it's only downstairs, I can carry her," Rachel said. "She can walk a little bit now, but not enough. She needs carrying more often than not," she informed Chandler.

  
She went into the bedroom to get her daughter, and when she brought her out Chandler gasped. Emma was so beautiful, and she had grown, Rachel was right. He couldn't believe that this little girl with short blonde hair was the tiny baby he had seen just weeks before he left New York.

  
"Rachel... she's gorgeous," Chandler said, in awe. "She's... she's got your nose," he said, winking at her. Rachel smiled. "Original or new-and-improved?" she asked.

  
"Oh, original, of course," he said, and waved idiotically at Emma. "Hey Emma, I'm your..." He paused, not really knowing who he was. In a way, he was her almost-uncle, but he didn't know whether he should call himself an uncle.

  
"It's your Uncle Chandler, Emz," Ross said quickly, sensing Chandlers discomfort. Chandler smiled at him thankfully, and Rachel offered Emma to him to hold. Chandler was a little worried, not having much experience with children, but took Emma from Rachel and found he was quite comfortable holding her. Joey and Phoebe felt a little bit emotional. Now Chandler was home, their lives felt more normal again.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"We've really missed you Chandler," Ross said honestly, as they both stood at the counter to order some coffee. "Are you planning to move back?" He knew that perhaps it was a silly question to ask, but the four of them had all secretly wondered it.

  
Chandler turned to look at Ross, with sadness in his eyes. "You know what, Ross?" he said. "I knew that someone would ask me that if I came to visit. And I dreaded it. I was happy in Tulsa, and I didn't want to be asked, or forced, to move back-"

  
"No one's forcing you to move back-"

  
"But," continued Chandler, interrupting Ross's interruption, "Now I'm back... I dunno. It feels right, coming home now, but I have friends in Tulsa, and... I dunno. It's confusing. I'll really have to give it some thought. My work has given me a really nice holiday. In the two years I've worked there I've never used up my holiday time-4 weeks a year-and so they've kinda given it to me in one lump sum. They probably feel sorry for me."

  
"Well, that's good," Ross said eagerly. He really wanted Chandler to move back. They'd been friends for so long, and he really missed him. The rest of their group hadn't split up or moved away, and Ross thought it was an ideal time to move back, when he needed his friends the most.

  
Chandler nodded, and opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by a tall blonde waitress at the counter. "Hey Ross," she said, having learnt the names of the four friends already. "Haven't seen you for a few days. Something happened?"

  
Ross looked distraught suddenly. He'd managed to erase from his mind what had happened but now it all came flooding back. "Yeah... my sister, she died," Ross said, stuttering a little.

  
Gunther was standing nearby and saw Chandler, and what appeared to be a crying Ross. He rushed over to say hi to Chandler, and fought the urge to ask where he had been. "You ok Ross?" he asked, worried.

  
Chandler realised Ross wasn't going to be able to say much, so spoke for him. "Yeah, Monica died a few days ago," he explained. Gunther looked horrified. "Ross's sister," Chandler explained to the blonde waitress.

  
"And your fiancée... Chandler I'm so sorry," Gunther said.

  
"Yeh, well, that didn't last long. She left me at the wedding," Chandler said. Gunther nodded, already knowing this.

  
"I'm sorry," Gunther said sadly. Relations with the four friends hadn't been so good in the past couple of years. Whenever they did come in, they all sat in a quiet trance, sipping their coffee and not talking to anyone other than each other. Gunther didn't know what had happened, apart from that Monica had left Chandler. He had guessed that Chandler had moved away, but wasn't sure.

  
Ross tried to calm down. Chandler looked at the woman he presumed was Candy, and smiled. "Five coffees please," he said, and then guided Ross back to "their" couch, in the coffee house, where they had always sat for the past ten years.

  
"You saw Candy, huh?" Joey asked Chandler. Chandler nodded.

  
"Yeh, she seemed nice enough," Chandler replied, but didn't say anything else. She was a very attractive young girl. He guessed she was about 20, possibly 21, and he could see what Joey meant about her legs. But he forgot about her for a few minutes as he dealt with Ross. When she brought their drinks over, Rachel sorted them out as Chandler was comforting his friend. 

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"Is your friend ok?" Candy asked Chandler sympathetically. A couple of hours had passed and everyone except Chandler had gone upstairs. Chandler said he wanted to hang around and see a few other people who he knew, and who he hadn't seen for a while.

  
"Yeh. He's going through a tough time, you know, what with his sister dying," Chandler said, and realised how stupid he sounded as soon as the sentence had left his mouth. He shrugged, smiling at her. He didn't think she was stupid. From what she'd said to him that day, she seemed very intelligent.

  
"And what about you? You were in love with her," Candy said, not one to shy away from the truth. She was quite blunt, and Chandler admired that. So many people were a little nervous around him when Monica left him, and didn't really know what to say that wouldn't upset him. It was strange, but he could almost see himself in Candy. He preferred to be blunt and honest, and clear cut.

  
"Yeah, I was," he said sadly. "But she let me down. She didn't love me. Well," he corrected himself. "She thought she didn't love me. It seems towards the end, she was wondering whether she'd made the right choice, leaving me."

  
"I don't know how anyone could leave you," Candy said sweetly. "You seem so nice, and I've only just met you."

  
Chandler was flattered. "Thanks," he said, after a moments silence. "You've boosted my self-confidence somewhat."

  
"That's what I'm here for," Candy joked. "Now maybe you'll buy more coffee."

  
"And maybe you'll work, instead of chatting up the customers," Gunther commented as he walked past. Candy blushed, but Chandler grinned. "I have kind of taken up your time," he said.

  
"Wait," she said, as Chandler prepared to leave. "Could I... would you mind if we met up sometime? I... I'm not usually like this, but, I really like you."

  
Chandler was stunned, and not completely sure that he had head right. "Excuse me?" he asked.

  
"Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," Candy said, going even more red.

  
"No, no, you didn't, I just wasn't sure I heard you correctly," he explained. "That would be great. Why don't I take your number or..."

  
"Sure," Candy said, smiling widely. She wrote it down for him on a napkin, and he smiled, before turning to go and see his friends. He saw Rachel standing in the doorway. She'd come downstairs to look for him, and had heard part of his conversation with the waitress. "Hey Rache. OK?" he asked.

  
"Yeah... yeah, I'm fine," she said, in a slight daze as he walked past her, and she followed him back upstairs. "What were you talking to Candy about?"

  
Chandler turned as they walked, still smiling. "She seemed to like me. She's asked if we can meet up sometime," he told her proudly.

  
Rachel nodded. "That's, that's great," she said, but she sounded unsure. Chandler noted it, and stopped for a minute. "What's wrong with that?"

  
Rachel shrugged. "Well, you know, it's just... a little sudden, I guess." She saw the look in Chandler's eye, and decided to carry on regardless. "I just... I just thought that cos Monica's funeral is next week, I just thought you wouldn't be..."

  
Chandler felt quite angry. "Rachel, she left me for another guy two years ago! I haven't dated since. I think I've left it long enough, don't you? I mean, it's not as if someone I was with has just died. We broke up ages ago," he repeated, and Rachel realised she'd angered him for the second time that day.

  
"Look, Chandler, I didn't mean to be like that, I think it's a great-"

  
Chandler coughed, interrupting her. "OK, Rache, I'm sorry. You were just worried I guess. Look, it's no big deal. I've just agreed to meet up with her, ok?"

  
Rachel nodded. "OK," she said, but with sadness tinting her voice. He hugged her before walking off, leaving her standing alone. She couldn't tell him the real reason why she was upset. It wasn't right. Not yet anyway.

  
**_Hey, how was that? I'm trying really hard with this fic, but please, if you have any problems with it, tell me and I will correct them, or try to work on them. I know this is kinda slow right now, but if I wasn't slow then I'd be going too fast, and we don't want that... anyway, please review! xXx_**


	4. Inappropriate Wishes

**Chapter Four: Inappropriate Wishes**

  
_Thank you for all the **lovely** reviews so far, especially as I'm finding this fic such a challenge. It really helps when I see that people are seeming to like it. Please continue reading, and thanks especially to Friendsfan2000 whose fics are helping me a little with this. ^^ _

  
Silence fell upon the room, but, unlike previous times, this was not an awkward silence, but a pleasant one. Chandler was lounging on the couch, reading a book that Ross had leant him and which he was surprised to find was quite interesting. Joey and Phoebe were playing chess-well, their own improved version of chess-and Ross and Rachel were watching over Emma as she drifted off to sleep in Rachel's room. Chandler had only been in New York for one night and already he felt at home. He was starting to realise that perhaps it wasn't a bad idea to consider moving back. Maybe it had been one of the worst decisions of his life.

  
Joey broke the comfortable quietness with a question that Chandler knew was coming. "When are you seeing Candy then?" he asked eagerly, as Phoebe was thinking about her next move.

  
"Joey, can the horse move diagonal?" she asked him before Chandler had a chance to reply.

  
"Err... no, I don't think so Phoebs. That castle thing moves diagonal though... or is it the knight?"

  
"Joey," Chandler said, grinning. "The horse IS the knight. The other thing is the bishop."

  
"Oh yeah," Joey said, pretending to know that anyway. "Yeah Phoebs, the BISHOP moves diagonal." He turned to look at Chandler, and raised his eyebrows as if questioning Phoebe's sanity. Chandler hid a chuckle.

  
"Anyway, you never answered my question. When you seeing her? IF you really are," Joey said, wondering if Chandler had possibly made it up. He had no idea how Chandler could get a girl that hot.

  
"I called her this morning, Joe," he said."I'm picking her up in an hour or so, and we're going to that Italian restaurant a few blocks away."

  
Phoebe looked up, surprised. "Isn't that the place Monica was head chef of at one point?" she asked.

  
Chandler looked a little shocked, but shrugged. "Possibly. How should I know Phoebs? She was probably never working there anyway... probably seeing that big Tree behind my back..."

  
"Chandler, don't," Phoebe said, shaking her head. "You don't know that she ever cheated on you. She just got cold feet. It happens to a lot of people."

  
"What, so you forgive her now?" Chandler asked accusingly.

  
"No, no, of course not," Phoebe replied soothingly. "It's just, it does happen. But the way she did it.. leaving you so embarrassingly... in front of all those people.."

  
"Yeh alright Phoebs," Chandler said, not wanting to be reminded. "You don't have to remind me."

  
"Sorry," Phoebs said, before looking back to the board. She grinned in delight, and moved a pawn four spaces to the left, before yelling "Chess!" triumphantly at Joey, who pulled a face before retiring to the kitchen. Chandler tried, and failed, not to laugh at his "weird friends." 

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"You seem, uh, awfully quiet Rache," Ross said, noting how Rachel's mood seemed to have worsened since Chandler had returned, instead of improving like everyone elses. "Is anything, erm, wrong?"

  
Rachel shook her head, gazing at her little girl. "No, Ross, I'm fine. Chandler's home. I'm... happy," she said, though Ross didn't think she sounded sure.

  
"Come on Rache, what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything. We're... parents," he said, smiling at her. She looked up at him, and wished she could tell him. But how could she tell him something that she couldn't put into words? She didn't know what she was feeling. She had no idea. Just everytime she thought of Chandler and that ditzy waitress... it made her skin crawl.

  
"I..."

  
Ross looked at her inquisitively. "Would I be completely wrong if I guessed it had something to do with Chandler and that... uh, Candy?"

  
"No!" Rachel said, a little too quickly. "I just... I think he's making a mistake, that's all. I mean, she's a waitress-"

  
"You were a waitress," Ross reminded her.

  
"...she's blonde..."

  
"What's wrong with blondes?"

  
"... she hasn't got any idea how to serve coffee..."

  
"Neither did you."

  
"Ross!" Rachel said, annoyed. "You were supposed to be listening. Not making me realise that I'm being completely idiotic and that Candy is actually a really nice girl, really witty and just... perfect for Chandler," she spat.

  
"Hey, hey," Ross said, holding her for a moment. "Rachel, do you have a thing for Chandler?"

  
"Of course not," she scorned, but she blushed a little. "Well... maybe. It's just... I don't know, when Monica left him I felt this.. thing between us, and it seemed so totally inappropriate. I mean, his fiancée was my best friend and then there was the whole Emma thing with us..."

  
"Yeah, but there was never any feelings between us. We were just drunk," Ross said, but his voice sounded a little hopeful, as if wanting Rachel to contradict him.

  
"Yeah, I know," she said, crushing him, but he didn't let himself worry about it. Any romantic feelings he'd had for Rachel were long gone. They were no good together. As friends, they were great, but as a couple, they argued, bickered and fought 25 hours a day. "But it still didn't feel right," Rachel continued. "Especially as he'd just lost Monica. And now, I don't know what I feel. And he's got this Candy now."

  
"He's never even been out with her," Ross reminded her. "But, Rache, you've got to think carefully before you do anything. He might still be hurting from Monica, and as you were her best friend he might think it weird too. I think you've got to establish how he feels."

  
Rachel nodded. It was all good advice but it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. "Right. You're right," she said. She looked down and saw Emma was asleep. "Shall we go out and spend time with our friends?" she asked. Without waiting for a reply, she got up and left her bedroom. Ross stroked Emma's forehead before doing the same.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
The intercom buzzed, and Phoebe looked at Joey, surprised. "Hey, who could that be?" she asked, confused.

  
Joey shrugged and turned to Chandler, who was still engrossed in his book, before getting up and going over. He pressed the button and said "Yes?" with a question in his voice, still not working out who it could be.

  
Rachel and Ross entered the room just as a woman's voice answered "Hey, it's Candy. Can you let me up? Is Chandler there?"

  
Chandler stood up suddenly, dropping the book. He nodded at Joey.

  
"Yeah, he's here. Come on up," Joey said, and let her in.

  
"I thought you were going to pick her up?" Phoebe asked, a sly tone to her voice. "She seems... keen."

  
Rachel couldn't help but smile to herself. This _was_ keen. Chandler was put off by keen-ness. Maybe this wouldn't work out at all.

  
"Yeah, great, isn't it?" Chandler grinned, pacing up and down the edge of the carpet. "A hot young woman, eager to spend an evening with lil old me!"

  
Rachel's heart sank. "I-I gotta check on Emma," she said, before rushing back into her bedroom. Chandler looked at Ross, confused.

  
"Weren't you just in there?" he asked, puzzled.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
Rachel sat, listening to the conversation going on in the next room in agony. Candy was so clever. She didn't have a brain the size of a pea. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover, she thought glumly. If she'd only tried to get to know Candy, perhaps they would get on really well.

  
She felt confused, and not for the first time in the past few days. Chandler was Monica's boyfriend. He was going to marry her. But consequences... had changed things. For reasons? Maybe she was destined to be with Chandler. Why else was the marriage stopped? They'd been perfect for each other. Monica even admitted that she'd made a mistake leaving him. Perhaps it was fate for her to be with him.

  
She stopped herself, shaking her head. Where were all these feelings coming from? Had they grown over the years? Or had they suddenly emerged, not wanting to be ignored? She wasn't sure, and she was quite scared. She'd never thought of Chandler in this way... except once, just before he left New York. She'd felt a sudden rush of warmth for this little-boy-lost character who she'd come to get to know well in the year before that. When Monica left him, she took him under her wing, and he didn't complain. It felt right to both of them.

  
So maybe she needed to explain to him how she felt. But what about Candy? He really seemed to like Candy. But maybe, once he'd heard about her, and what she felt, he could make an informed decision. Without realising what she was doing, she got up and went into the main room, just as she saw Chandler and Candy leaving through the door. She sighed, wishing she'd been a few seconds earlier.

  
"Rache? You ok?" Joey asked, concerned about his friend. Her face looked pale but her eyes were red from the few tears that she'd cried, unnoticed, earlier.

  
She looked Joey straight in the eye, and smiled as widely as possible. "I'm great Joe," she said. "Never better. I just... needed to tell Chandler something."

  
"Well, you could still catch him, he left like ten seconds ago," Phoebe said, getting up to stretch.

  
Rachel shook her head. "No," she said, before muttering quietly "It can wait till tomorrow."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
_Finally I completed this chapter. It was taking me longer than the others, for some reason. Anyway, please read and review. Lilian xXx_


	5. Midnight Rendezvous

**Chapter Five: Midnight Rendezvous**

  
_ The weather makes me want to garden... yet here I am, writing this chapter. What's wrong with me? I should be outside, in the sun... we never get any sun these days. Anyway, please continue reading! Lilian xXx_

  
Chandler smiled to himself as he settled down that night, trying to sleep. His first date in years, and it had gone so well. It had even ended with a kiss. But neither of them felt ready to go any further at all. It seemed comfortable, and he knew he was having conflicting feelings at that time.

  
It was Monica's funeral in three days, and he wasn't prepared at all. Part of him didn't want to go anyway. What relation was she to him? What kind of friend had she been? She didn't deserve him to attend. Why should he go?

  
But, he realised as he fluffed up Joey's old yellow pillow, he knew deep down he had to go. It was a final goodbye. Monica may have made him look an idiot that day at the wedding, but he had loved her once. Part of him still did. A large part.

  
As he drifted off to sleep, he had the same dream he's had for the past week. Monica was calling to him. She was holding out her arms, and he was ignoring her, but for the first time in this dream scenario, he turned to see her face. It had tears streaming down the cheeks, her eyes were red and sore from crying, and her mouth was opening and shutting, almost like a fish. It broke his heart.

  
And then suddenly... Candy? Well, that was no surprise, as he'd been with her minutes before. She was in front of him, with Monica, trying to push her away, her blonde hair flying in Monica's face, her own face displaying anger. But something was pulling him away from the scene... something, or someone? His face was pulled away, and he saw a flash of red-blonde hair, a small sweet smile, and felt a kiss on his cheek that was so warm, so loving. He didn't want to watch the fight. He wanted this woman, yet in his dream he couldn't make out her face... just her hair... it felt so familiar to his touch...

  
Rachel.

  
He awoke with a start, breathing rapidly, as he remembered the dream. He'd not wanted Candy. Rachel had led him away from Monica and Candy, and he'd wanted to be with her, for that split second in his dream.

  
But it was only a dream, he assured himself. Still... why would he dream that? Was there a hidden meaning? Did he have feelings for Rachel? He had been pretty sure before... when he decided to leave New York, part of the reason was to get away from Rachel. He didn't trust himself around her, especially when she was so close to Ross, giving birth to Emma, it hadn't felt right.

  
He sat in the same position for five minutes, thinking, when he heard a door open behind him. Jumping round, he saw Rachel, her hand on her head, staggering out of her room. She looked up when she heard Chandler cough politely.

  
"Oh... Chandler, I'm sorry," she said, pulling her dressing-gown around her. "I needed a drink... and a tablet, my head hurts so much."

  
Chandler clucked sympathetically, and Rachel looked surprised at the noise, but shrugged and wandered over to the kitchen. "Can't you sleep?" she asked conversationally.

  
"No... thinking about things," Chandler said honestly, and went to join her. "Monica, to name one of... three."

  
"Three things, huh," Rachel said, smiling. "And I thought that men could only concentrate on one thing at a time."

  
Chandler laughed. "Where did you hear that from? I'm sure that can't be true," he said, resting against the kitchen table. Rachel poured out some water and grabbed a tablet from the cupboard, before turning to look at her friend.

  
"Actually, Monica told me," she said sadly. "One of the times we were having our 'Why were Men Created' talks. We used to have them quite often... until she fell in love with you," she said quietly.

  
Chandler nodded, not wanting to say anything, just to listen.

  
"She did love you," Rachel told him sincerely. "She was... confused. I hated her for ruining your life. I guess you mean a lot to me, Chandler."

  
"Thanks," he said, feeling himself go slightly red. Thank god it was in the middle of the night, and they were both coping with the dim kitchen bulb. He couldn't make out much colour, only shapes and shades.

  
"I could never forgive her for leaving you," Rachel said thoughtfully. "I never realised until then how important your friendship was to me. You've always been there... sarcasm and everything," she joked. Chandler smiled sadly. "But sometimes, it helped. Your jokes. I used to pretend to get annoyed with them, but they made me laugh."

  
"Why couldn't you have told me then?" he joked, as they both sat down. She touched his hand, and he didn't move it away. Both of them felt comfortable in each others company.

  
"I guess I never wanted to be the odd one out, and admit I actually liked your jokes," she teased, reaching for her cup and aspirin. Her face fell, as they both suddenly realised that the day they were both dreading was ever nearer. The day of Monica's funeral... and the day that Chandler would leave? Maybe. Maybe not. Neither of them were entirely sure what would happen.

  
"Rache," Chandler said, feeling that now was a good time to get his thoughts out in the open. "You mean a lot to me too, you know that, right? I felt so bad after what you told me a few days ago. About why Monica died. I blamed you. And it wasn't your fault. You felt mad at her, for me, and I'm so grateful to you. I just... I wish things could have been different, but I want you to know that I _don't_ blame you. You're probably my closest friend right now. I need you so much. I feel like I could tell you anything right now. Is that just me?"

  
Rachel hesitated. It meant a lot to her that Chandler felt able to tell her all that. She was his closest friend? She didn't know whether to feel honoured or to cry. Getting closer in a friend way wouldn't help her situation... it would make it worse. The more they became friends, the less she wanted to ruin their friendship. Yet Monica did it... but look what happened to them.

  
"I...err..."

  
Chandler looked miserable. "You don't feel like that?"

  
"No, I do, Chandler, it's just I have this problem... god, I wasn't gonna tell you until after the funeral..."

  
Chandler put his head on one side. "Then don't," he said simply. "If you'd rather not tell me yet, that's fine."

  
Rachel sighed. "Really? Chandler, I promise, I will tell you," she said determindly, as if to assure herself. Hours earlier she'd told herself she would tell him the next day. But she had thought, and decided that Chandler needed no more heartaches until after he'd got through the next few days. But would it be a heartache? Rachel didn't know, and she didn't want to risk it.

  
"Thank you," she said, touching his hand again. He looked down, and put his other hand on top, rubbing hers. She was freezing, and Chandler was worried that she wanted to go.

  
"You're cold, Rache," he said. "Do you want to go back to bed? I'll clear up here, don't worry."

  
"No," she said quickly. "I... I like this. We don't talk much anymore, as you've been away. No one else is around. Unless you want to go to sleep again."

  
Chandler smiled. "No, I like this too. We don't need sleep," he joked.

  
Rachel shifted in her seat, getting comfortable. She grit her teeth as she said "How was the date?"

  
Chandler grimaced. He hadn't thought of Candy since he'd woken up. His feelings about her seemed to have changed slightly since the dream. He was a little worried about what he was feeling at that moment. He could only think of Rachel. Perhaps it was because she was sitting right next to him, but he thought it was something more than that. Something inside him made him want to reach out, touch her face, kiss her...

  
"I... it was good," Chandler said. "We have a lot of things in common. She's pretty."

  
Rachel nodded. She forced a smile on her face. "I'm glad you're happy Chandler."

  
Chandler looked at her, and decided to be honest. "I was," he said. "Sounds silly, doesn't it? It's the kind of thing you say about a woman you've been married to for years, not some girl you've been out with once. When I fell asleep a couple of hours ago, I was happy. I'd forgotten about Monica, forgotten about everything. She was the only thing that was on my mind. But when I woke up... it was while I was asleep, something must have changed. I can't explain it," he said, finishing abruptly. "Let's just say, we'll see what happens in the next couple of days."

  
"Is it Monica?" she asked him gently. "Is she still preying on your mind? Do you still love her?"

  
Chandler stared at her. "No," he said quietly. "I don't love her anymore. I can't. Not after what she's done. I'm sorry it had to end this way, and I'm gonna miss her, and I cared for her. But I don't think I loved her in the weeks, maybe months before she died. I was full of self-hatred, and I felt desperate. I felt I needed _her._ No one else had loved me like she had. But I'm starting to think... maybe there isn't just one woman for every guy, or vice versa. Or maybe she wasn't my soul mate."

  
"Then what is it?" Rachel asked. She felt something was about to happen, and she couldn't help but sigh frustratedly as she heard Emma start to cry from her bedroom. She stood up. "I'd better go sort her out," she said, as Chandler stood up too.

  
"Yeah," he said, and pulled her in to a hug. "You don't know how helpful you've been, Rache."

  
Rachel nodded, trying not to cry. She had been so close to finding out what he was really feeling. She could have deduced from that whether to say anything about how _she_ felt.

  
As she pulled away, Chandler went to kiss her on the cheek, but she moved her head, as she went to turn to see to Emma. His lips touched hers, and they both pulled away almost instantly, looking at each other. Nothing was said, nothing could be heard as Rachel moved her head forwards ever so slowly. Chandler did the same. They seemed to melt together, and as his lips touched hers again, she felt free for the first time in years, happy, and she felt right.

  
But as they both pulled away again, the realisation of what she'd done hit her like a stone. From the look on Chandler's face she could tell he was having similar thoughts. What had they just done? They'd shown each other how they really felt... and it scared them both too much.

  
Chandler felt so angry with himself. He'd just kissed Rachel, something that he knew would upset his best friend, and he felt he'd betrayed Monica, in some strange way. Rachel had been Monica's best friend. And neither of them had actually told each other how they'd felt. Just shown it. But the kiss had felt right, at the time.

  
There was an awkward silence, interrupted by another yell from Emma. Rachel took it as an excuse to run, whispering a hurried goodnight to Chandler as she entered her own room. She went to check Emma, and picked her up, rocking her. Rachel closed her eyes as she wondered whether they'd ruined their friendship forever.

  
Back in the kitchen, Chandler was standing, not moving much, and thinking. Rachel had felt the same way about him. He could tell. Yet how would it ever work? And what about Candy?

  
What about Monica?

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
_Hope you enjoyed. I hope you didn't think this was rushed (this chapter) I just thought it seemed right... both were opening up to each other, both realised they had feelings for each other... anyways, please read and review (as you've been so good at doing it so far.) xXx _


	6. Avoiding The Truth

**Chapter Six: Avoiding The Truth**

  
_ I'm glad my few *sniff* reviewers seemed happy with what I did in the last chapter. Please, people, review! Please! Make me happy! I don't care if you want to tell me bad things (so long as they're not lies) just please review! Have I said it enough? Hugs to all my lovely reviewers. If it wasn't for you I might die... Lilian xXx_

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
_ I kissed Rachel... I kissed Rachel..._

  
I kissed Chandler... god, what have I done?

  
After an hour, a restless Chandler finally fell asleep, and woke to the sounds of Joey showering. He groaned as he remembered the previous night, and turned over to stare at the ceiling. He'd kissed Monica's best friend. He'd shown her how he really felt. And the worst part was, he knew now that she felt the same. He couldn't deny it. There was something between them...

  
And he had to get away from it.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
The day of the funeral loomed suddenly, like a dark cloud. Rachel and Phoebe were quiet in the morning as everyone got ready. Ross was with his parents, comforting them. Joey and Chandler were getting ready, Joey reassuring Chandler that everything would be okay.

  
Rachel sighed loudly as she and Phoebe put on suitable make-up for the occasion. Phoebe, not sure what had happened in the last couple of days, took this sigh as an oppurtunity to find out.

  
"Rache, what's wrong sweetie? And don't tell me it's the funeral. You wouldn't get this affected by it. You hated her, for gods sakes."

  
Rachel looked up at Phoebe. Memories of that night, three nights ago, came flooding back and she tried to block them out. Her and Chandler had avoided each other, not even really talked to each other, and she was getting infuriated by it, little knowing that he felt a similar way. Though he too was trying to block out his feelings. He felt more guilty than her. Despite what he said that night about Monica, he felt as if he'd betrayed her by kissing Rachel. He didn't want to go any further. To him, it was wrong, in Monica's eyes.

  
She opened her mouth, a lie ready formed in her throat, but she couldn't do it. Shaking her head, she whispered "I can't tell you."

  
Phoebe was surprised, half-expecting Rachel to deny anything out of the ordinary was wrong. She put her arm around her best friend, and Rachel hugged her back, trying hard not to cry.

  
"Rachel, if it's bothering you, I want to know," Phoebe said. "You need someone to confide stuff to. Now that... there's just us... it should be me."

  
Rachel gulped, praying that the tears forming in her eyes would not betray her and fall. "That just makes it worse," she said honestly to Phoebe. "Even if it... wasn't just us, this problem wouldn't have arisen. I would have kept my feelings under lock and key. Nothing in the world would make me do it if.. if Monica was still here."

  
Phoebe was curious. "Do what, hon?" she asked gently.

  
Rachel looked at Phoebe, and wiped at her eyes, not caring if they smudged her mascara. She didn't care about much these days, except Emma, and Chandler. But did she trust Phoebe? Rachel wasn't sure how Phoebe would react if she'd know what she'd done.

  
"I kissed Chandler," she blurted out, her tongue not heeding her instructions, her voice telling Phoebe before she'd had a chance to stop herself. She stared, shocked at what she'd said, before burying her head into Phoebes outstretched arms. As Phoebe stroked Rachels hair, Rachel knew that Phoebe wasn't cross with her.

  
"So?" Phoebe asked her quietly. "Did he not kiss you back? Is that the problem?"

  
Rachel took a step back, staring at Phoebe. "No, Phoebs, that's not the problem," she said slowly. "He kissed me back. But did you not hear me? I-kissed-Chandler. You know, Monica's ex? Monica, my best friend? The one whose funeral is today?"

  
Phoebe shrugged. "Again, so? Monica's dead. She was horrible. If you both feel this way, don't let the past stop you."

  
Rachel mused on this thought. It made sense. Sort of. "That would be great advice, if we weren't avoiding each other right now," she said sadly. "I think he hates me, Phoebs."

  
Phoebe tutted. "Rachel Karen Green, do you have no self-respect? You need to talk to him. Don't grieve more than you have to today. You guys need to get together. Talk. Express yourself."

  
Rachel tilted her head to one side, staring at Phoebe. "For once, my strange little friend, you make sense," she half-laughed. "Now come on hun. Let's go mourn."

  
Phoebe, a little surprised at the way Rachel was handling her grief, offered her friend an arm as they walked out of the bathroom together.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"How much more boring can this get?" Joey whispered to Phoebe, as they each held a tiny glass of wine. "When do you think it will be okay to leave?"

  
Monica's wake was rather surreal. No one except Monica's parents and Ross seemed to be full of much grief, and many people were just talking, often about everyday things such as the weather or the latest films at the cinema. To Rachel, Joey and Phoebe, it seemed a little pointless.

  
Rachel was feeling upset, still blaming herself, and also feeling guilty because of Chandler. Chandler... where was he? He had disappeared after the funeral, and she had only just realised that he hadn't returned.

  
"Joey!" Rachel hissed. "Where's Chandler?"

  
Joey looked surprised. "Didn't he tell you Rache?" he asked, sipping at his wine which he was only drinking to be sociable. Earlier he had enquired about beer, only to be met by a stony glare from Jack Geller. "He went back to ours. Needed to sort some things out."

  
"Well, I'm going too," Rachel said quietly. "I have things to sort out as well."

  
She decided it was only polite to say goodbye to Judy and Jack. She hugged a crying Judy and a white-faced Jack, before whispering that she would visit them soon. She still felt close to Monica's parents. When she was younger they had always welcomed her into their house, and when she had dated Ross they had been happy for the two of them.

  
"Look after our little girl," Judy said, meaning Emma, Rachel presumed. She nodded, before turning to leave.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"Tickets... passport..." Chandler muttered under his breath, never knowing he was being watched from the door to the apartment. Never noticing there was a woman, a friend, someone who wanted to be with him, watching with tears spilling down her face as he made to leave. He promised he'd stay for the funeral, and he'd done that. Now he wanted to leave, get out, forget about his old life and start with a new one. He couldn't bear it much longer. Living with Rachel was agony. It tore his heart apart to live with a girl who he was... falling in love with.

  
He sealed a letter, addressed to all four of his remaining friends, still not seeing Rachel stand at the door and watch him. He was preoccupied with what he was doing. Tutting to himself as he got a paper cut, he reached for his suitcase and stood up, jumping back in shock as he saw Rachel, her eyes red from where she had cried, her whole body shaking as she prepared to watch the man she knew she felt more for than anyone else walk out of her life for the second time in three years.

  
"Rachel..."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
**_ Sorry this is slightly shorter. I think I've got more reviews than it actually said, a couple were emailed to me but they never showed up. One from Exintaris I think. *shrugs*. I'm confused. Anyway, please read, review, and pray they show up! Lilian xXx_**


	7. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?

**Chapter Seven: How am I Supposed to Live Without You?**

  
_ Hey thanks for the great reviews for the last chapter! I didn't think it would be greeted with such enthusiasm as it was considerably shorter than the others. I found the lyrics to this song "How am I Supposed To Live Without You" and thought they fitted in well for this part of the story. So this is a sort-of SongChapter. Please carry on your reviewing. I get so happy reading them. Disclaimer: I do not own the song used in this fic (or the characters, sadly.) Lilian xXx_

  
"Rachel..."

  
Chandler dropped his suitcase, letting it crash on the floor. He hadn't planned for this to happen. All he'd wanted was to creep out, unseen, unheard, before anyone could try to contact him and change his mind. He knew that it would be all too easy for him to stay... especially if he was persuaded by Rachel, of all people.

  
Rachel was standing at the door, staring at him, not quite sure that what she was seeing was what was happening. Why would he leave, without even saying goodbye

  
_ I could hardly believe it,_

  
When I heard the news today,

  
I had to come and get it straight from you.

  
After a few moments of silence, where both people just stood facing each other, not liking what they saw, Chandler finally shook his head before saying "Why? Why are you here? I thought you were staying at the wake."

  
_ They said you were leaving,_

  
Someone swept your heart away,

  
From the look upon your face I see it's true.

  
Rachel shook her head sadly, still staying at the doorway. "Joey told me you'd come home," she said quietly. "I thought it would give us a chance to... talk. Alone. Get things out in the open. But it seems that you had other... ideas," she finished, finally moving into the apartment.

  
_ So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're making,_

  
Tell me one thing more before I go.

  
"What are you doing?" she asked, though it was obvious to anyone he was running away. "Why are you leaving me, Chandler? Didn't the other night mean anything to you? Were you just planning to run off and leave me, hope I got over you? It's too late for that, Chandler," she said. She was clutching at straws. She'd never even talked to him about liking him. Now she was practically proclaiming her love for him.

  
Chandler looked surprised. When he finally spoke, it came out quite gently, quite softly. "Rache, of course it meant something to me. But we can't do anything about it. It's not right. And I thought, if I left, it would make things easy for both of us. We could carry on with our separate lives. Forget about what... could have been, between us..."

  
He broke off, as he realised how difficult it was going to be. But Rachel was shaking her head disbelievingly.

  
"Why is it such a problem?" she asked, surprised. "Monica-left-you. It's not like she's even around anymore to make you feel guilty. And she caused the problems between you. Chandler... we're good together. We get on well."

  
Chandler didn't know what to say. He'd already spoken to Candy earlier that day, explained he couldn't stay around, and surprisingly she'd been very understanding. She had even kissed him and wished him good luck. But he knew that saying goodbye to Rachel especially would be much harder.

  
"Chandler, if you leave..." Rachel paused, before moving to stand right in front of him. "You will ruin something that could have made our lives so great."

  
_ Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,_

  
Now that I've been loving you so long,

  
How am I supposed to live without you,

  
And how am I supposed to carry on,

  
When all that I've been living for is gone.

  
There was no sound as Chandler and Rachel stared into each others eyes. Both could feel something real between them. Both knew there was little point trying to deny it. They loved each other, and had done for longer than either of them had realised.

  
"Wh..." Chandler tried to speak, but Rachel silenced him with a kiss. She was scared that Chandler might pull away, but had taken the plunge, thinking she had nothing to lose. She was pleasantly surprised when, instead of pulling away, she felt his lips part slightly.

  
His arms wrapped around her, and she placed her hands on his hips, wondering why she had never realised before how lovely he was. How funny, how sweet, how good-looking. And how great a kisser.

  
She stopped suddenly, as Chandler's hands groped at her back, not sure what was happening. She pulled back, his arms still round her, staring up into his eyes. "Chandler," she whispered, drawing closer again. "Promise me you won't leave."

  
Chandler unlocked his grasp, and moved over to the fridge, not sure what to do. All his feelings had been let loose again, and now he was more confused than he had ever been. Not knowing anymore how he really felt about Monica anymore, not knowing whether staying here was best, he turned to tell Rachel how confused and scared he felt, to be greeted with the upsetting scene of her crying. What had she done? All she'd said was "Don't leave." And now, suddenly, commitment-scared Chandler had reared it's ugly head again, and he was frightened of commiting himself to even staying in one city, let alone staying with her.

  
_I didn't come here for cryin'_

  
Didn't come here to breakdown 

  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end.

  
"Is it my fault?" she whispered, as he walked back over to her, holding her just for comfort, not in this case for love. "Is it just me who feels this way? Are you just trying not to hurt my feelings? Is that why you're leaving? Have I..."

  
"Shush," he said softly, placing a finger on her lips. "It's not just you Rache," he said quietly. "I've felt this way about you for some time now. But never... never a feeling this strong. A feeling I've only ever really felt once before, with Mon... Monica," he said, turning away, never letting go.

  
_And how can I blame you_

  
When I built my world around

  
The hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends.

  
Rachel realised how difficult it was for him to say those words. But she also realised that even when Monica and Chandler were happy together, in the back of her mind she'd always dreamt that perhaps something would happen so that she could be with someone like Chandler... or perhaps, even better, Chandler. But admitting this to him now could make her lose a friend forever.

  
_And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming _

  
When even now it's more than I can take 

  
"Chandler..." she said, biting her lip. It was now or never. "Chandler, I've always liked you."

  
Chandler looked at her, confused. "I know you've liked me for the past couple of years..."

  
"No," Rachel said, shaking her head. "Chandler, promise me you won't go tonight, even if you still want to go after tonight, I don't mind. Just please let me explain. Please."

  
Chandler screwed up his face, thinking. "It's gonna cost me a ticket," he joked weakly. Rachel gave him a small smile, acknowledging that she understood he was willing to stay. For now.

  
"Rachel," he said quietly, as they made their way to the couch, preparing for the talk and confessions that were about to surface. "Even if I do decide its best to... leave," he began, trying to put into words how he felt. "You've got to know that I haven't felt this way about anyone for... since... Monica... left me. I just don't know whether it's right."

  
Rachel nodded, understanding. "Just promise you'll listen," she said, as they sat down.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
**_ Hey, another shortish chapter I know, but the next chapter will be longer, I promise. Stuff coming out from the past, school days, early on in the Friends saga, etc etc. Hope you liked this. Please read and review. Lilian xXx_**


	8. Stay

**Chapter Eight: Stay**

  
_ Woo, more reviews! Keep them coming, you know I love 'em! I have one lil problem though... where's lobster? I miss her reviews... :( anyways, this chapter *should* be longer, so I hope that's good news. Sorry if I get the years wrong (these are past memories.) Lilian xXx._

  
**1986- Rachel and Monica are 17**

  
The front door slammed downstairs. Rachel looked up from her magazine into her friends eyes in surprise. "Who's that?" she asked, not that bothered, just shocked out of reading an article about Tom Cruise.

  
Monica shrugged in reply. "Probably Ross," she said, trying to stuff more chips into her mouth as she spoke. "He's been in and out of the house all day. I think he's rehearsing with his "band."

  
Rachel half-laughed, still unsure about Monica's older brother. It had been obvious to her for the past few months that he liked her, but he was so goofy that she didn't even want to mention it to anyone else. Especially in case she was wrong. She shrugged too, and carried on reading.

  
Rachel enjoyed coming round to visit Monica. Her family were always friendly towards her, not stiffly polite like some people, and Monica was very "real." No pretences, no airs and graces like some of her other friends, although, Rachel thought honestly, it would be stupid if Monica thought she was beautiful. It wasn't that she was an ugly hideous creature, as some nasty people had commented before. It was just that... she stood out in the crowd.

  
"Hey," Monica said suddenly. "Let's sneak downstairs and see if Ross has got any cute friends in his band."

  
"Yeah, that's likely," Rachel said sarcastically, but she was beginning to feel a little bored and decided it was better than trying to make small talk. "Go on then," she sighed. "Anyone in particular we're looking out for?"

  
Monica giggled. "Well... there's this one guy," she said dreamily. "What I wouldn't do to give my flower to him."

  
Rachel looked at her sharply. "Monica," she said. "If you call it that one more time, I'm going to make it clear to everyone that you still have a flower to give."

  
Monica looked hurt. "Not everyone's like you, Rache," she said sullenly. "Not everyone's already giv... had "sex" with someone before they're even married."

  
There was an awkward silence in the air. Rachel went red, remembering a couple of months back, when she had gotten very drunk and... things had happened. She completely regretted it, and wished she hadn't even told Monica, her best friend. Supposedly.

  
Monica broke the silence. "Rache, I'm sorry," she said quietly, stroking her arm. "I didn't mean it."

  
Rachel nodded. "I know," she said, attempting to hug her friend. As she pulled away she smiled. "Come on," she said, standing up. "Let's go spy on the guys."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
As the two teenages crept downstairs, Rachel felt her stomach flip as she caught sight of one guy. She'd seen him hang around Monica's house before-he was obviously a good friend of Ross'- and she'd often been amazed at how good looking he was. She sniffed suddenly, as she remembered that Monica also had a crush on him.

  
"It's Chandler!" Monica hissed through gritted teeth. As she said his name he looked up. Rachel, forgetting about Monica for a minute, continued her descent down the stairs and smiled widely at Chandler.

  
"Hey," she said sweetly, realising that Chandler seemed quite shy suddenly.

  
"Hi... Rachel?" he asked, as if not sure of her name. Rachel wasn't sure whether the hesitation was genuine or not, but she didn't let it hinder her.

  
"Yeah, that's it. And you're... hmm, Bing, isn't it?" Rachel asked, teasing him by using his surname. He flushed, obviously annoyed that she had called him by that.

  
"Chandler," he said. He looked up the stairs and saw Monica cowering, or attempting to cower. "Hey Monica," he called up, in a friendly way. Monica just blushed and waved idiotically.

  
He turned back to Rachel, and couldn't help but stare at her, which Rachel noted happily. "I've got to... go, play..." he said, before smiling in a cute way at Rachel, which made her heart melt. "See you around," he finished, and gave Monica a token wave before wandering off.

  
Rachel stood motionless, staring after him as he left the room. Monica came downstairs and gasped. "Did you see the way he spoke to me?" she asked eagerly. "He said hi and everything!"

  
"Yeah," Rachel said encouragingly, but only part of her was concentrating. She didn't want to admit it, but she thought it was possible that Chandler liked her, and not Monica.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
**Present Day**

  
Rachel shrugged.

  
Chandler stared at her for a moment, confused. "You've liked me since... for... like 15 years?" he said, amazed.

  
"On and off," she admitted. "I mean, honestly now, I loved Ross. I loved him with all my heart, and I know you loved... maybe, you love, Monica. But with you, there's something about you that was never there... with Ross," she said slowly. "There's something about you... something inside, and something outside," she said, smiling a little. "I've always loved your eyes, Chandler.

  
Chandler smiled back. "And I've always loved your hair," he said coyly, fingering the blonde-red strands lovingly. "I think it's beautiful."

  
Rachel smiled, and stroked his hand. "See, Chandler?" she said gently, not wanting to push him but needing an answer. "We could be great together, if you only gave us a chance."

  
Chandler sighed. "I don't know, Rache," he said.

  
"Well, what about you?" she asked, interested suddenly. "Have you ever had feelings for me... honestly now. Tonight we have no secrets from each other," she finished, holding his hand inbetween her smaller ones.

  
Chandler looked at her for a moment, then turned a little, nodding his head slightly.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
** 1996**

  
"My parents are driving me CRAZY!" Rachel exclaimed to a scared Chandler. "I have to keep going back and forth, and it's my birthday for gods sakes! It shouldn't be up to me! Why can't they worry about me for a change, instead of bitching about each other to their daughter. It's my birthday!" she repeated, before sinking to a seating position in the hall, her dad in the room on her right, her mum in the room on her left.

  
"Hey," he said, sitting beside her. "Look, if it helps, I know exactly how you feel."

  
"Really?" she said, looking at him.

  
"Yeah, when my parents split, it was hard for me," he said, putting his arm round her as they sat together on the step. "I always felt like I was piggy in the middle... kinda," he tried to explain. "I was in the middle, anyway. They were always complaining to me. One would go on about how the other was having it away with all the young men in the area... and my dad bitched about my mum," he joked weakly. Rachel smiled. "Thanks," she said quietly. They stood to hug properly, and Chandler breathed in slowly as he smelt her hair. She always smelt and looked so beautiful. He often felt a twinge of sadness, knowing how in love she was with Ross. His best friend. He knew he couldn't do anything.

  
They had been in an embrace for a minute at least before he heard a door open. Sighing, he turned to see Ross stand behind him. He nodded to his friend before moving to allow him to take over. As he watched the two embrace, he almost felt his heart break in two. It was then he told himself he could never let himself get too close to Rachel again.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
** Present Day**

  
Rachel hugged Chandler, feeling tears in her eyes. "Oh Chandler," she breathed. "I wish I'd known. Why didn't you say anything?"

  
Chandler couldn't help but laugh. "Say something? You were in love with my best friend, Rache. I couldn't ruin your lives."

  
Rachel was quiet for a few seconds, before stating "You wouldn't have ruined my life, Chandler."

  
Chandler looked at her sidewards. "You might think that now," he said, before running a hand through his hair. "God Rache, you are making leaving New York so hard right now."

  
Rachel grinned. "Good," she said, moving closer to him on the couch. She put her hand on his leg. "I don't want you to leave, Chandler. No one does."

  
"But-"

  
"Shush," she said. "No buts. No howevers. Just... stay. Please?" she asked. "I've proved this isn't a one time thing. You've proved you..."

  
"Love you," he said, admitting it out loud for one of the first times. "Rache, I'm getting all these conflicting feelings. I love you. But how can I love you? I loved your best friend. How can I fall in love with you afterwards? How can I love two friends?"

  
Rachel breathed in. "Do you still love her, Chandler?"

  
"No," he admitted. "No, Rache, I don't. But I did. And it doesn't seem right."

  
"But why does it matter if you don't love her?" Rachel asked, confused. "Chandler, I love you, and you love me. Why let anything come between us just because of what some people might say?"

  
Before he could answer, Rachel leaned forward and kissed him again, gently on the lips. As she pulled away, she repeated herself, almost silently, but Chandler heard each word. "Please. Stay."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
_**I'm sorry I'm dragging this out, but I really want to show that Chandler is really confused. He can't just turn off his feelings... I hope that makes sense. Please r&r. xXx**_


	9. The Choice

**Chapter Nine: The Choice**

  
The alarm clock shocked Ross into waking up. He looked blearily at the bright red numbers, and as his eyes focussed he made out the time. 6.30.

  
He ran his hands through his hair, remembering the previous day, remembering the funeral, how Chandler had disappeared without more than a token "goodbye" to Joey, of all people, who could barely remember a message if it was written down on his hand. What if he'd left for good? What if Ross would never see him again? Chandler was his best friend, and he needed him right now... now that Monica was gone, for good this time.

  
It was too early too call him. Or was it? He needed to know what was going on. Perhaps he should go for a walk first, to clear his head. If he took a walk round Central Park, he could be at Joey's at about 8. That wasn't an obscene time. Perfectly acceptable. And he would have to get washed and dressed first.

  
Ross prayed that Rachel had managed to dissuade Chandler from leaving, as he was sure that was why Chandler had left the wake so quickly. He wondered what exactly she'd done. He'd been a little worried about the two of them recently-in the past couple of days there had been obvious tension, and he suspected that something had happened between the two of them, something which perhaps made them feel guilty. Maybe it was because of Rachel that Chandler was leaving... maybe he felt bad, liking Rachel when he was engaged to her best friend, and Ross's sister... and Rachel was Ross's ex, and had a child with him. Maybe Chandler thought that Ross would hate him. He could see why, but Ross wouldn't hate him. He'd given up ever thinking there could be anything between him and Rachel now, and it wasn't fair to begrudge Chandler happiness, if Rachel was the right person for him. And, as Monica had left Chandler... why should he feel guilty?

  
Struggling with his feelings and thoughts on the subject, Ross decided to have a shower, to delay his visit to the appartment even more. He just hoped he wouldn't leave it too late.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
Rachel awoke to the sounds of gentle taps on her bedroom door. Yawning, she got up and went to open the door, making sure she was decent. She smiled when she saw Chandler outside, a plate of toast in his hand.

  
"Hey," she said, leaving her room and coming out into the kitchen area. "You made breakfast."

  
"Sure did," he said, as she smelled the warmth of the fry-up Chandler had prepared. She felt like she hadn't eaten properly in ages, and it wasn't long until the smell enticed Joey from his bedroom aswell.

  
"Good morning!" he said happily, seeing the bacon frying. "You two seem a lot happier today."

  
Chandler nodded, serving the breakfast. "I feel a lot happier," he said, winking at Rachel. He was interrupted by Ross opening the door a little hesitantly. He looked up and smiled at his friend. "Hey Ross," he said gently. "Are you ok?"

  
Ross was a little surprised at the scene in front of him. "Yeah... yeah, I'm good, are you ok man?" he asked, concerned, but he knew he needn't have worried. Chandler seemed a lot happier today than he had been in the past week or so. Everything looked like it might be starting to get back to normal.

  
Chandler nodded, passing him a plate. "Help yourself," he offered, pointing at the food. "I felt like a little celebration... considering I've decided I'm moving back," he said slowly. Joey and Ross' faces lit up, and Rachel smiled to herself.

  
"You're staying?" Joey asked excitedly. "You're definitely moving back?"

  
Chandler laughed. "Definitely," he assured him. "I don't know where I'm gonna go though... I guess I'll have to rent an appartment or something..."

  
"You can come back here!" Joey said, then looked over to Rachel. "Oh..."

  
Chandler grinned. "Maybe it will be easier than it seems," he said slyly, shooting a glance at Rachel again, who blushed like a teenage school-girl.

  
Joey looked at Rachel. "What's going on?" he asked, smiling suddenly. "Did something-"

  
Before Joey could say anything, the door to the apartment burst open and Phoebe stood at the doorway. Her mascara was smudged and she had obviously been crying. Joey jumped up out of his chair, as did Rachel, and they escorted her into the room, unsure of what had happened. Phoebe seemed to be hyperventilating and couldn't say what was wrong, only sipped at the water Ross offered her.

  
When she had finally calmed down, she looked up at Rachel, tears forming in her eyes again. "It's Alice," she explained. No one could recall straight away who Alice was, until Rachel suddenly remembered-Frank Jr's wife.

  
"What about Alice, Pheebs?" she asked gently, as Chandler, Ross and Joey stood around her, stroking her arm and comforting her as best they could.

  
Phoebe shook her head. "That's just it... no one knows. She's been rushed into hospital...severe bleeding... Frank said she found blood in her underwear, lots of it... doctors think it could be a cyst." Phoebe sobbed, and Rachel hugged her.

  
"A cyst, hun, that could mean anything. A cyst isn't necessarily a dangerous thing," Rachel said soothingly. "A lot of women her age have similar problems, I promise sweetie." Rachel didn't know for sure, but her mum had had an ovarian cyst and it had been totally benine. She was sure that her mother's doctor had mentioned it happened often in older women.

  
Phoebe nodded, sniffing. "I know. It's just, you know, I couldn't bear it if someone else close to me..." she couldn't finish, and blew her nose loudly on a handkerchief Chandler handed to her. He straightened up, patted her shoulder, before looking up at Rachel and shrugging. It was obvious that Monica's death had hit Phoebe really hard, only she hadn't let anyone else know. Monica had taken Phoebe in when she was just a girl who lived on the streets. Phoebe felt she owed a lot to Monica, despite what she had done to Chandler, but she hadn't wanted to cause anymore upset than there already was.

  
"Alice isn't gonna die Pheebs," Joey said bluntly. "She'll be fine, you'll see."

  
There was silence for a few minutes, broken only by Phoebe blowing her nose in intervals. The other four stood up, and while Ross stayed standing behind Phoebe in case she needed to talk, Chandler, Rachel and Joey all wandered back into the kitchen.

  
"So, what happened last night?" Joey asked, his eyes sparkling. "Did you two-"

  
"No."

  
"Well, did you-"

  
"No," Rachel said, laughing. "Joey, we talked. That was all."

  
"Oh." Joey looked crestfallen. "But you're staying? You were persuaded into staying with a talk? That never would have worked with me," he said, chuckling. Chandler grinned, putting an arm round Joey.

  
"No," he said finally. "It wasn't just the talk that made me decide to stay." Joey's face lit up, as Chandler continued. "I realised I'd miss all of you, too."

  
"Aww, man, thanks!" Joey exclaimed, then went back over to Phoebe to comfort her. She seemed to be crying more again.

  
Rachel turned to Chandler, smiling. "We need to talk at some point," she said, placing her hands in his. 

  
Chandler nodded, before turning to clear up the breakfast plates. As Rachel went back to Phoebe briefly, to check she was okay, Chandler smiled to himself. Maybe his life really was getting better now.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"Chandler.... Chandler..."

  
That voice... where was it coming from? Chandler looked around him but all he could see was darkness enveloping him, and he could feel himself falling further and further away from the light above him, closer to the voice... closer to the speaker..."

  
"Chandler...."

  
A flash of red passed his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. Again, all that was around him was the darkness of the night, his feet couldn't feel the floor...

  
"Why... Chandler... Why?"

  
"Who are you?" Chandler called, distressed. He had no idea where he was and the voice sounded strange, yet familiar...

  
"It's me, Chandler... don't you recognise my voice?"

  
Chandler shook his head. Suddenly he felt a thud, as he landed on a bed. His bed. The bed that he and Monica shared.

  
"Remember this room, Chandler?"

  
He looked around him, recognising the walls, furnishings around him. His room, in Monica's appartment. And there, in the corner, was Monica... staring at him, her long dark hair flying wildly around her face, her eyes bloodshot, and her fingernails so long, so uncared for..

  
"You said you'd always love me Chandler... no matter what happened, no matter how far apart we grew, you'd always love me... I would be the only woman for you..."

  
"Yeh, well I never expected you to leave me for that big tree, did I?" Chandler spat, tears falling down his face. "You changed, Monica. I didn't love you anymore."

  
"Oh, but you did," Monica said, walking slowly towards him and pointing her finger at him. "You did still love me. When Rachel told you why I died, you hated her, you wanted to put things right between us but she ruined it..."

  
"That's not true!"

  
"... and now Rachel's just a convenience, someone to be with... you've never stopped loving me Chandler, you can't make up your mind! Face it, sweetheart, I'm going to be in your dreams until the day you die!"

  
The room became unfocussed, and Chandler awoke suddenly, beads of sweat pouring down his face, his breathing ragged, confused. Was Monica right? Would she haunt his dreams forever? Did he still love her?

  
_** Sorry if this chapter was a little confusing, and sorry it's taken a while (in my terms) to update. Hope you're still reading though. Please review! Lilian xXx**_


	10. He's Off Again!

**Chapter Ten: He's Off Again**

  
_ I'm going to start tying this fic up now... I had a good idea for something else, which I may or may not start before I finish this one. I'm sorry if this fic starts to feel a little repetitive, but things aren't going to be perfect straight away... you know what a commitment-phobic Chandler is! Keep reading, just keep reading... Lilian xXx_

  
"Chandler? Chandler!"

  
Rachel's eyes darted frantically everywhere. his suitcase had vanished, all his clothes were gone, nothing that said "Chandler" was to be seen. Had he gone... had he left her? What had happened?

  
Joey came out of his bedroom, shrugging. "He's not in there," he told a stunned Rachel.

  
She stared at him for a second. "Joey... WHY would Chandler be in your bedroom?"

  
"I don't know! You said think of all the possibilities!" he retorted. Rachel threw up her arms in desperation.

  
"Oh my god! I can't believe this! Chandler has run off and you're looking in your bedroom??!!" she asked disbelievingly. "I meant in the city, at Ross's, maybe at Phoebes. Not here! He's quite obviously not here! Grrr!" she said loudly, before running into her room.

  
"What are you doing?" Joey called from the kitchen. He'd gone to make himself a sandwich, suddenly feeling quite hungry.

  
"I'm going to get dressed and go and find him. I need to talk to him." She reappeared in her bedroom doorway. "Can you drive me around? We've got to check everywhere... the coffee house, Ross's, his mums maybe, oh, and Las Vegas!"

  
"Woah!" Joey said. "We are NOT going all the way to Las Vegas. Why would he be there?"

  
"I don't know!" she exclaimed, exasperated. She tugged on a shoe. "And maybe he's with his dad. JOEY, PUT THAT SANDWICH DOWN!"

  
Joey looked upset, and slammed it down on the table. "You're mean when you're worried," he whimpered.

  
Rachel exhaled loudly. "Come on Joey, we've got to find him. Does he have a phone?"

  
Joey nodded. "Yeah, I've got his number somewhere..."

  
"Well, ring him!" she said, annoyed. "Try his number!"

  
"OK, ok," Joey said, a little cross. "Jeez, woman..."

  
He hunted for a few moments for his address book, opened it, realised he didn't have any male friends in it, and threw it at the floor. Catching sight of Rachel's worried face, he hunted in the cupboards until eventually finding a small piece of white paper with a number on it. He proudly held it up at Rachel, before dialling the number. Rachel breathed a sigh of relief.

  
"Chandler?" Joey asked. His face broke into a grin, and Rachel smiled, happy that they'd finally traced him.

  
"Oh, sorry," Joey continued. "I thought you were my friend... Chinese takeaway? Really? At this time of day? Well, I'll have a-"

  
"JOEY!" Rachel screamed. "PUT DOWN THE PHONE AND FIND CHANDLER'S NUMBER!"

  
Joey scowled at Rachel. "I'm sorry, I have to go and find my friend," he apologised to the Chinese take-out, and put the phone down. "Rachel, anger really isn't becoming of you..."

  
"I don't care, ok? We have to find Chandler before he runs off again! He's obviously got some problem and we need to sort it out!" Rachel stated, before collapsing on the couch in tears. Joey was startled, and went over to sit with her.

  
"Rache... what happened between you and Chandler?" he asked gently. "Obviously something happened... you wouldn't be this upset."

  
Rachel sniffed. "I love him," she admitted to a shocked Joey. "And he loves me. But clearly he's confused. He loved Monica. Perhaps he still does. And he thinks that he's betraying her memory by falling in love with me."

  
Joey didn't know what to say. He knew there had been something between the two, but he never would have guessed it was love. He hugged his friend, before standing up.

  
"Let's call a search party," he suggested. Rachel smiled weakly, and nodded.

  
"I like that idea."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"I've found it!" Phoebe yelled triumphantly, holding up a yellow post-it. "Chandler's number!"

  
The other three looked up, smiling. "Well, go on, ring it," Rachel said, leaning against the foose-ball table. "See where he is."

  
Phoebe dialled the number slowly, careful not to get it wrong. Ross went and stood next to Rachel, and put his arm around her. "Don't worry, Rache, we'll find him," he assured her. "He's not too faraway, don't worry."

  
"I hope you're right," Rachel whispered. "God knows how long he's been gone."

  
"Chandler?" Phoebe asked suddenly. "Chandler, it's Phoebe."

  
"Has he answered?" Rachel asked, amazed, having half-thought that perhaps he would ignore the phone call.

  
Phoebe nodded quickly at Rachel, before going back to the call. "Where are you?" she asked. "What... why?"

  
Rachel feared the worst, as Phoebe's face went white with worry.

  
"Chandler... why are you there? Come back... you've got to Chandler, we love you..." She moved the phone away from her ear, and shrugged at Rachel. "He cut me off," she said quietly, before replacing the phone.

  
"Where is he?" Rachel asked her fearfully, tugging at her sleeve.

  
Phoebe looked at her. "He's at her grave," she said, everyone knowing who she meant. "He's been there since three this morning."

  
Rachel looked confused. "But... that's like an half hours-drive away. And... why's he gone there anyway?" she asked, although Phoebe knew as little as she did. "Does he still.... does he still love her?" she asked, tears forming at her eyes. Everyone knew now about Chandler and Rachel, how they had told each other how much they meant to each other, how they'd promised to try and work things out between them. Phoebe felt terrible as she saw Rachel crumple up in front of her.

  
"Maybe he just needs to make peace with himself," she said hopefully, though that wasn't what it had sounded like to her. He had sounded far away, wistful, upset... scared. Scared of a life without Monica, his true-love, his soul mate? Perhaps. Phoebe didn't know, and for once, she couldn't even begin to guess.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
The cold didn't seem to affect Chandler. In fact, he didn't even notice it, as he sat staring at Monica's grave. The stone wasn't there yet-he'd heard Ross saying it wouldn't be put there until the ground had settled, which could take months- and he'd spent hours wondering what it might say. "A wonderful daughter, grand-daughter, sister and friend" perhaps. Well, gravestones often lied. People liked to think the best of the dead.

  
Even Chandler was finding it difficult to remember Monica's bad points. It seemed to be a part of grieving, forgetting the bad, remembering the good, exaggerating the best parts. Then he remembered. Richard. Their wedding. He'd even known something might go wrong-he'd run away, hadn't he? Hid in his office. And just like then, he was running away again.

  
But what was really in New York for him? He had no guarantee that Rachel would stay with him forever. She'd broken it off with Ross that many times. Maybe she was a commitment-phobic too. Or maybe Ross just hadn't been right for her. Maybe Chandler wouldn't be right for her either. Maybe they were kidding themselves, both wanting someone, and settling for the only half-decent person around. Maybe his dream was right. Rachel was a convenience, someone to have, so he wouldn't feel lonely at his age. Heck, he should have been married years ago... he should have had children by now.

  
If only he'd agreed to meet Monica, find out why she did it... especially if she realised she'd made a mistake. But you couldn't live on "If only's" all your life. You had to make a stand, before you spent the whole of your living days wishing you had something, or someone, that you could never have. Time to bury the ghosts. But if only it was that easy.

  
Chandler's dream had scared him. It made him scared of going to sleep again. But perhaps, if he was with someone who understood, perhaps he could get through it. Running away had crossed through his mind. He was sitting in a graveyard with a suitcase, for gods sake. People had walked past him giving him sympathetic looks, presuming a loved-one had recently passed away. The pile of living flowers on top of the mound signified a recent death, if nothing else, and the fact that there was no headstone proved it only further.

  
Chandler heard a quiet cough behind him, and for a minute thought it might be Ross or Rachel, come to find him. His friends knew where he was now, and he turned round, a small smile on his face, ready to admit defeat and come home.

  
But as he turned and stood, the person slouched before him made his blood run cold.

  
"Richard..."

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"Turn left, and then... no, that was the left we should have taken," Phoebe said. Ross gritted his teeth, wishing he'd read the map AND driven the car.

  
"Phoebe!" he said, exasperated.

  
"I'm sorry, Ross, you know, worrying about your sister-in-law's ovarian cyst makes map-reading difficult," Phoebe said, hoping for the sympathy vote. Ross sighed at this typical Phoebian comment, and apologised before swinging the car round and trying to find the right turning to get to the graveyard. He'd been there only yesterday, yet he couldn't for the life of him remember where it was, and had no idea how to get there.

  
"Are we nearly there?" asked a worried Rachel from the back of Ross' convertible. She was sitting with Joeys hands wrapped around hers. Both of them were terribly worried about their friend, worried about how he was feeling right now.

  
"Nearly," Ross replied. "Just round here... yes, here it is," he said, relieved. As soon as he pulled over, Rachel jumped out of the car and walked speedily into the graveyard, followed closely by Joey and Phoebe. Ross went to find a space to park the car.

  
"Where is it, where is it?" Rachel repeated over and over. "Wait! I see him!... with some man..."

  
Joey peered over. In the distance he could see Chandler talking... no, arguing with another man. "I hate to be negative, but that man looks remarkably familiar..."

  
"It's Richard!" Phoebe hissed. "Richard's there! Oh god, guys, what do we do?"

  
"We watch," Rachel said determindly. "If it looks like things are going wrong, we get in there and help. At least they're not fighting."

  
Ross caught up with the trio, breathing heavily. He stopped when he saw Richard. "Oh my god, Chandler's going to kill him!" he exclaimed.

  
"Hey, this is Chandler we're talking about!" Joey said, seemingly annoyed.

  
Ross nodded. "Yeah, Chandler's not that horrible..."

  
Joey looked at Ross in surprise. "No, I meant he would never hit a man that much bigger than him," he explained, to which Ross nodded understandingly.

  
"Excuse me, guys, I think we have a situation here," Phoebe said, interrupting them. "Chandler and Richard... arguing... Chandler obviously still misses Monica..." here Rachel sniffed loudly, but Phoebe ignored her. "...and Richard being the one that took her away from him... this isn't the best scene ever, you know," she finished, before hugging Rachel.

  
"Rache, just cos he misses Monica doesn't mean he still loves her," Joey said. "Anyone can see he's crazy about you."

  
"Really?" she asked, hopefully. Joey nodded, then turned back to the scene in front of them.

  
"What do you think they're saying?" Ross asked. Rachel, Phoebe and Joey all shrugged simultaneously. They wanted to help Chandler, but they didn't want to storm up to Richard and make a bad situation worse. Chandler needed to sort this out on his own. They would just stand in the sidelines and be there if he needed them.

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
"What are you doing here?" Chandler asked quietly.

  
"I came to say goodbye," Richard replied, not looking at Chandler.

  
"OK. Goodbye. There you go. Now leave," Chandler said threateningly.

  
"Chandler, please..."

  
"Oh, so now you're asking my permission?" Chandler asked angrily. "Funny, I don't remember a please when you took my fiancée away from me!"

  
Richard looked at him. "You're right. It was wrong of me. We should have all met up, talked about it, come to some sort of decision shouldn't we?" Chandler looked away, confused. "No, I didn't think so."

  
"Yeah, well, it still wasn't right, was it? You don't take away Monica and expect me to be your best friend? I never want to see you again, Richard," he said. "I can't believe I looked up to you once."

  
"If you don't want to see me again, then you leave," he responded. "I'm not going anywhere. You've been here for hours. I think it's my turn to spend some time with Monica."

  
"How dare you!" Chandler exclaimed. "You think it's your turn? Since when did I care about what you thought? You have no right to say what you think. You weren't even invited to the funeral."

  
"Actually..."

  
Chandler stepped back, amazed. "You... you were?"

  
Richard looked dismal, but nodded. "Yes, I was. I'm still friends with Jack, you know. And Jack knew how much Monica meant to me."

  
Chandler couldn't speak. "You were invited to the funeral... you??!!"

  
Richard looked away, focussing on the flowers. "I didn't want to cause a scene. I sent flowers instead."

  
"Well that's decent of you," Chandler spat furiously.

  
"Chandler, why are you so angry with me?" he asked, confused for a second. "Why aren't you more angry with Monica?"

  
It was Chandler's turn to be confused. "Why should I be? You took her away from me."

  
Richard shook his head. "Chandler, she didn't just leave you on your wedding day. Monica told me that you'd broken up, you'd finished things with her because you couldn't stand the fact that I'd tried to propose aswell. I didn't find out until her dad sent me an invite to the wedding that you two were still together. Chandler... she'd been having an affair, behind your back, without telling me. You have to believe me."

  
Chandler was taken aback. "She... she cheated on me?" he asked, shocked. "What had I done to her that made her want to cheat on me? Was I that horrible?"

  
Richard suddenly felt incredibly sorry for Chandler. Monica had pulled the wool over his eyes... made out she had been "stolen" almost, and that she had been swept off her feet, unable to put him off. When in fact, Monica had been lying to both of them for months.

  
"Chandler... it felt wrong," he tried to explain. "When I realised exactly what she'd done-lied to you, cheated on you-I realised, as much as I loved her, I didn't trust her. If she could do that to you, then she could do it to me too. That's why I left her. And then I heard that Monica was making out that she wanted to put things right with you, and she was saying the reason I'd left her was because I knew that she still loved you." He didn't need to finish the story. If Richard was telling the truth-and Chandler couldn't help but suspect that he was- then Monica felt alone when Richard left her. She needed someone. And she thought she could get Chandler back.

  
Chandler stood stock-still, confused and hurt. For the past couple of weeks, he'd told himself that Monica had never stopped loving him. Now, from this new development, he began to realise that perhaps she had never loved him at all.

  
_** Woo, that was a little longer wasn't it? And a fast (ish) update. Please r&r. xXx**_


	11. We've Got This Far

**Chapter Eleven: We've Got This Far **  
  
_Woo, new people reviewing! Hey new people! waves have a chocolate or something.... anyway, keep reading, this fic is going to last about another two or three chapters (including this one.) Unless I get a brand new idea and just go with it. Read and Review my lovelies. xXx_ ---  
  
Rachel, Joey and Phoebe stood up from the bench they were sitting on as Chandler walked dejectedly towards them. Phoebe opened up her arms and hugged him, not completely sure what had happened between the two men. When Rachel looked over, she saw Richard bending down by the grave, and he appeared to be crying.  
  
"Chandler, what's happened? Why have you got your suitcase? Are you running away?" Rachel asked, trying not to be nosy but feeling a little angry with him, for leaving her in the lurch. When Chandler looked up at her, tears falling down his face, she immediately felt sorry for him, and drew him into a hug too. He looked a little pathetic, holding his luggage, and Rachel pulled him gently in the direction of Ross' car. Luckily, Chandler followed her.   
  
"Can we go home? Can we talk then?" he whispered in her ear. Phoebe and Joey followed them a few steps behind.   
  
"Sure, honey," she said, kissing his cheek as they walked slowly along the path. She could see Ross leaning against the car, and he looked quite worried. "Let's get you home and we'll talk properly, okay?"   
  
Chandler nodded, feeling suddenly very tired. He'd been awake since 2 o'clock that morning, having not wanted to fall asleep again after his dream with Monica in it, and all he wanted to do was sleep dreamlessly, although he doubted that he would be able to. He knew he needed to explain himself to Rachel and his friends, as they would be hurt that he had left without even saying goodbye, or leaving a note.   
  
When they reached the car, Ross opened the door for the four friends, looking inquisitively at Rachel. She smiled weakly, and nodded, to show that at least they'd persuaded Chandler to come home, for now, at least. 

---  
  
"Cheating on you?"   
  
Phoebe put her arm round Chandler, as Rachel brought her hand to her mouth in amazement.   
  
"My god," Ross said quietly, before standing up and pacing up and down a little. "She was cheating on you? Monica was seeing Richard behind your back? And she didn't tell him?"   
  
"Well, apparently not." Chandler shrugged. "I think I believe him. Why would he lie? He doesn't care what I think about him. I never have to see him again, and it's not as if I'm going to "send my crew" round to deal with him, is it?"   
  
Phoebe nodded. "I don't think he was lying," she murmured, stroking Chandler's hand. Chandler nodded in agreement, letting his eyes close slowly, before they sprung open again. He sat up and looked at Phoebe. "Pheebs... please tell me you didn't know..." he said, looking into her eyes. She tried desperately to look away, but to no avail. Everywhere she looked, more eyes bored into hers, making her feel trapped.   
  
"I'm sorry!" she burst out, jumping up from her seat. "But what was I supposed to do? I listened in on a phone conversation... completely by accident, and when I confronted Monica with it, she made me promise not to tell anyone. She reminded me how good she'd been to me, taking me in... and everything..."   
  
"So that's why you weren't too sympathetic when she died," Rachel said, almost triumphantly. It had been bugging her for weeks. Why wasn't Phoebe amazingly distressed when Monica killed herself? Obviously she had got upset, if the incident from a couple of days before was anything to go by, but nothing like as much as the gang suspected, even though Phoebe was not always an open book.   
  
Phoebe looked at Chandler. "I'm so sorry," she said, holding out her arms, but Chandler ignored them.   
  
"Why didn't you tell me AFTER she'd died then?" he asked angrily.   
  
Phoebe looked surprised. "I.... I didn't think..."   
  
"No, you didn't, did you?" he spat, before walking off and into Rachel's bedroom. The door slammed resoundingly, and the other four friends jumped.   
  
Joey, who had been silent for a little while, glared at Phoebe, anrgy at her for distressing Chandler, and went to get himself a beer. Ross followed suit, and Rachel tried her best to comfort Phoebe, though she too was annoyed with her.   
  
Phoebe sat sobbing, distressed and angry with herself. Why hadn't she told Chandler? She could have made it sound more plausible if she had just told him when Monica died, or even when she left him in the first place, instead of causing him all the heartache of wondering whether she had died loving him. It had gnawed away at him, the fact that she had killed herself thinking there was no one for her. Maybe she had loved Chandler, in her own way, but Richard was the one her heart had really wanted. Richard was always going to have been number one in her eyes. And Chandler needn't have wasted the past couple of years thinking about what they could have had.   
  
After a while, when no one had spoken, Phoebe breathed in deeply, got up and left the apartment. No one tried to stop her, and no one even looked at her. Rachel's arms had been hanging limply around her shoulders, and she barely noticed when her friend left.   
  
Joey nodded at Rachel. "Are you okay?" he asked.   
  
Rachel looked up at him, a confused expression on her face. "I just, I just can't believe she would do that. Lie to Chandler. They were so much in love. Maybe she felt guilty, that's why she was always all over him, she didn't want to show any cracks in their relationship... I just don't know."   
  
"What about you and Chandler?" Ross asked, intrigued. Rachel shrugged sadly, and gazed at her bedroom door, which Chandler had disappeared into. She smiled slowly to herself, wondering what he was doing in there, and stood up herself.   
  
"I'm going to go and see if he's okay," she said quietly. "You two might want to leave... go out and enjoy yourselves. I'll sort Chandler out."   
  
"I bet you will," Joey said, grinning, and turned to Ross to share the joke, but was met with a frosty glare. Although Ross was not opposed to the "relationship" between his ex and his best friend, he still wasn't completely happy with it, especially as he wasn't even sure if anything had happened between them. He hated being in the dark.   
  
Rachel smiled again. "Don't even think about it, Joe," she said, before giving Ross a weary smile. "Go to the coffee house or something. We'll join you later."   
  
Ross nodded and grabbed his coat. "Emma's with the nanny," he informed her. "She'll be okay."   
  
Rachel turned to go and see how Chandler was. She'd forgotten about Emma in all the drama, and felt a little guilty, but shook it off as she opened the door. She saw Chandler, sitting on her bed, staring at a photo that Rachel kept on her bedside table. All six friends were in it, Monica and Chandler crouching at the front, their arms around each other, Rachel and Ross standing behind slightly to the left, looking happy together, and Phoebe and Joey standing next to them, Joey with his hand on Phoebe's shoulder. It was when they were younger, when Ross and Rachel were the only couple, and Monica and Chandler were best friends. Rachel wondered what would have happened if it had stayed that way. Would Monica still be with them? Wiould she have run off with Richard, and left the other five anyway? Who could tell?   
  
"Hey you," she said softly. Chandler jumped. He obviously hadn't heard her enter the room, and his face showed a picture of confusion and sadness.   
  
"Hi," he replied, moving to let her sit with him. She smiled weakly, and moved to be nearer to him. She was so worried about him. All of a sudden he looked ten years older, and his worry lines seemed to be multiplying by the day.   
  
"How are you feeling?" she asked. Stupid question really, she thought, annoyed with herself, but he looked up at her, smiling.   
  
"I'm doing okay. I've been thinking about it, and, you know, it wasn't Phoebe's fault. She felt she owed it to Monica to keep her secret. She was better friends with her anyway. And, you know, all is not lost," he finished, as he took Rachel's hand in his own. "Things could have turned out worse. I could have married Monica, thought I was happy... and never realised I could have you in my life instead."   
  
Rachel was touched. Chandler had never been that sweet before, except from when he had admitted a couple of nights ago that he loved her.   
  
"Every cloud has a silver lining," she quoted, and he laughed, nodding in agreement.   
  
"I guess it does. Rache... can you forgive me for running away?" he asked seriously. Rachel looked shocked that he was even asking.   
  
"Of course I can," she scolded. "Chandler, we've been through a lot. Not many people go this far to show how much they care about someone. To show how much they love someone. And I understand that you're confused. But Chandler, please believe me... no matter how long it takes, I'll still be here for you. I'll still wait for you."   
  
Chandler nodded, feeling the tears slowly approaching his eyes. "Thank you," he said, trying not to choke on his words. "That means a lot to me Rache. It's just... it's gonna take some time. For me to trust again. We'll have to take things slowly."   
  
"That's fine," she whispered, kissing him gently on the lips, but as she pulled away he put his arms around her, pulling her in closer. Rachel realised at that point that she'd never cared for anyone as much as she cared for Chandler. Not even Ross, although she had cared deeply about him and had loved him once. But with Chandler, it was different. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. She wanted to look after him, help him through his troubled times, and help him come to terms with what he'd been through. She wanted the chance to love him.   
  
When they eventually parted, Rachel noticed his eyes. They shone so brightly, and made him look so happy, and so peaceful.   
  
"I love you," she whispered, his arms still around her.   
  
He smiled. "I love you too," he whispered back. "And I always will. We've come this far... we'll make it."   
  
**_I know, very soppy at the end, but I get the feeling it needed some... all this tension is driving me crazy! As this fic is drawing to a close, I'm going to start writing my next idea, based on something my friend went through. And I'm sorry but it's going to be C&M. I just think it fits them better, their personalities etc. I promise I will finish this one too. Please read and review! Lilian xXx_**


	12. Thank You

**Chapter Twelve: Thank You**

_Woo, last chapter for this fic! YAY! Sorry, I'm always happy when I manage to FINISH a story, it's so good. And thank you, all my faithful reviewers, who always seem to read all my fics-I owe you all everything. 61 reviews so far for this fanfiction-not bad! I'm not going to complain, but could you all do me one tiny little favour... >points to "submit review" button at the bottom of the page. Go on! Get my final tally to seventy... you can do it... Hope this lives up to all expectations._

** February 2007**

Over the hill they came, six friends, arm in arm, carrying flowers, large smiles on their faces-though inside they felt solemn, and calm. The tall blonde haired lady seemed rather attached to a young man with a cheeky smile and dark hair, thought a man visiting a nearby grave. Another two men, breaking the chain and walking a little in front, seemed content and happy, finding it normal to stroll through the flowers that surrounded the graves around them. And a red haired woman rested her head on another mans shoulder, her face telling her happy story. The man had his arm hooked round her waist, in his other hand, which had been linked with the blonde woman, he carried a bunch of roses.

How happy, young and carefree they looked, thought the man to himself, before standing up and looking sadly at the grave of his late wife. Every year for the past fourteen years he had visited her grave on this day, even though desperate times had made it necessary for him to leave New York and live in Paris with his daughter. But no matter what the weather was like, or what was going on, he always made time for his wife. His friend. His soulmate.

As the six friends passed the old man, Chandler gripped his fiancée tighter, and Phoebe and Mike both smiled sweetly at him. They had seen the man the previous year, and although most of the group did not remember, Phoebe and Mike did. They had noticed him standing over the grave sadly, but with a bittersweet smile creeping on his face, as he remembered the good times. Phoebe and Mike could only hope that, after just over a year of a successful relationship, they could end up being like the couple they imagined in their heads-happy for so many wonderful years.

Ross and Joey walked ahead of the group. "The grave's this way," Joey announced, as if it was everyones first visit. But they had all been before. Even Mike, who had never known Monica, joined in the ceremony that looked to last for many years to come. In a way, they all had her to thank for how their lives had turned out.

If it wasn't for Monica, Chandler thought sadly, he would never have met Rachel. He would never have sought comfort in her, never realised just how lovely a person she was. If it wasn't for Monica, Phoebe would never have had a chance when she was younger-Monica had given her a place to live. Despite Monica's seemingly selfish ways, she had some sort of heart underneath it all, and Phoebe could never forget how kind she had originally been.

Mike also had a lot to thank her for. He would never have met his sweet, yet a little crazy, wife-to-be, if it wasn't for her kindness. If Phoebe had stayed on the streets, there was no chance that the two would have ever met. Both knew that they were meant to be together.

And Ross had realised that, despite what he had ever felt for Rachel, Chandler and her made a wonderful couple. And when Ross had been visiting Monica's grave one day, he had come into contact with a young brunette, mourning over the tragic loss of her brother. Ross had been sympathetic, they had talked, and they had met up a few times since. Things looked promising. Ross smiled to himself. If it wasn't for Monica... they would never have met.

Joey tried hard to think of why he personally had to be thankful to Monica. He was sure there was some reason, but he couldn't quite remember it. She always fed him, he knew, whenever he went to her appartment. Maybe that was it. It seemed enough of a reason for Joey, in any case.

Each friend, except Mike, could remember the bad points of Monica extremely clearly. But each knew that they had a reason to be thankful for all that had happened. Chandler knew that Rachel was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Rachel knew that she loved Chandler with all her heart, and all her soul, and they were destined to be together. If he had married Monica, he would never have realised the true beauty of Rachel Green-and he didn't mean her physical beauty either. Rachel was a woman with many hidden personalities. She really did know how to be a true friend, and Chandler loved her for it. Before they had fallen in love, they were friends. They completely trusted each other, and they knew that they cared deeply for one another.

Chandler had also not taken over where Emma was concerned. Ross was still Emma's dad, and in a way Emma was a very lucky child. Her dad and her step-dad-to-be were best friends, and everyone got along. Not many children could ask for that, if their parents were not together. She had so many people who loved her-Phoebe, Mike, Joey and Rachel and Ross' parents. Even Nora and Charles Bing felt some sort of responsibility over the child, and when she had met her, Nora had instantly fallen in love with the little blonde-haired child. Now almost five years old, she was a delight to all who met her-yet, as Chandler had joked, she definitely had Rachel's original nose. Rachel didn't speak to him for a whole two hours after he said that, and in the end he had had to apologise very solemnly to her before she would forgive him.

"Monica," Ross said, as he knelt down by the grave, already lined with flowers from her family. "We all forgive you for what you did. No one can harbour anger for too long, and we've all done so well in these past two years. In a way, we have a lot to thank you for."

No one teased Ross for talking to his dead sister. In a strange way, all of them were sure that she could somehow hear him.

"Mon," Phoebe said, feeling tears in her eyes, and she hastily wiped them away. "We do love you... we _do_ have to thank you... without you realising, you've changed our lives for the better. It's a shame you can't be with us to enjoy our lives, but maybe if you were... we wouldn't have them."

Everyone smiled at Phoebe's blunt way of putting things. Chandler turned to Rachel, and she nodded, letting go of his arm and allowing him to say a few words, as he placed the roses on the grave.

"Thank you," he whispered, as he straightened up. "You may not realise it, but not marrying me was probably the best thing you ever did." Rachel smiled at him and kissed him softly on the cheek. No longer feeling hatred for her deceased friend, she too placed a few flowers on her grave and softly murmured "Thank you" under her breath, though everyone heard her.

There was nothing left to say. No one missed her presence to the extent where they felt like breaking down and crying. It was sad how a woman had gone from being amongst her friends to being an outsider, because of selfishness and stupid mistakes. No one could change her true character, but they could forgive and forget. They owed her that much. All their lives seemed so perfect now, it seemed wrong to still hate her. Because of Monica, everyone had something to look forward to in their lives. Even Joey seemed to be settling down-he had had three dates with the same woman. In one week! No one could believe it, and when they met her they were even more astounded. She was beautiful, admittedly, but smart too, and because of her Joey had seemed to become more sensible, and they really seemed to make a good couple. Joey couldn't really thank Monica for the meeting-it had happened outside a McDonalds-but at least everyone was happy.

"Goodbye Monica," Phoebe said quietly, as the six friends linked arms again, and together they walked towards the car to head home, all of them excited about what the future held for them all.

--------

_Finished! I know, I know... soppy, eeshk, but I needed to end it, I needed to show that everything happens for a reason... well, I think it does, maybe you don't agree. Anyway, for the last time on this fanfic, please read and review! I love you all. xXx_


End file.
